The Tale of the Donkey and the Blackberry

I am so busy lately with my numerous responsibilities and preparations that I have been right straight out and have had very little time to do anything extra... and my blog has clearly suffered from it. :) But I thought that I would share a funny experience that my craziness created this morning.

It actually started last night. I came home from my last day of work (for now) with my boss and introduced her to Casey and we had a few minutes of fun with him. A few minutes later I realized that I couldn't find my phone and I thought that I had left it at the post office. I smiled to myself and decided to have a night off without email and calls and just to work and enjoy my family and get some rest. It seemed like a good idea at the time.... In hindsight, I probably should have looked around more carefully for my phone!

At six am this morning my alarm on the phone went off. I was sleeping very deeply and so I didn't hear anything but a huge and unusual howl from Casey. While the noise and braying was quite unusual, I was so tired... and my husband was closer (yes, a sign of how lazy I can be sometimes)... so I stayed snuggled in bed and woke up slowly. My husband, however, got out of bed and discovered the problem. My phone would vibrate and the donkey would step closer. Then my phone would trill and Casey would jump back in fear and anxiety... and the pattern would repeat itself.... every few seconds.

So I have my phone back and it is drying from the heavy dew and dirt that settled on it overnight. Casey is calming down and I got to spend time chatting with my husband before the Bug woke up and we started our day. And I have an insane urge to laugh every time I imagine the scene of the Casey and my phone. I am sorry that he was scared, but I will admit that it must have looks absolutely hilarious! I think I will enjoy that image for the rest of the day... and I hope you do to! :)

Have a great day. :D

Today's Activities and Introspection

Today, I spent a few hours out in the sun. Spring is really finally here! While this spring is different than other springs here, I have become determined to press forward and not just let everything at home go because I feel jumbled and scared and just hesitant to do anything- I wish I was more hesitant in my thoughts... they just seem to go everywhere and I am having a hard time keeping them upbeat these days.

So, when I was able to this morning, I headed outside. I stood for a few minutes with my eyes closed and just enjoyed the sun... feeling the rays and the warmth and the slight breeze. Then I took a deep breath and got to work. Instead of gardening this year and trying to full scale farm I figure that I should just try to clean things up and try really hard to get the property ready for next year and if I am lucky, I will be able to work it next year. So to start, I brought Casey out so that he could keep me company and eat the fresh growing grass and clover. He seemed to have a great time and was quite round in the belly a few hours later when I returned him to his yard. And while he ate I chattered at him, prayed out loud and filled small bags with whatever detritus I could find. I filled boxes with kindling, pulled up and moved stock paneling from the tightly woven grass holding it to the ground. I shuffled my feet through the long grass and filled a few bags with fence parts that I couldn't see but I could feel with my bare feet. It wasn't much and only a few hours of work... and I should have been doing school work. Then I left and mowed a few lawns for some elderly people who can't do it for themselves and had a friend spoil me and take me out to dinner. But I found a few things in my mind while I was working in my yard that were interesting revelations to me.

One was the sorrow of picking up the miscellaneous debris- I was surprised to feel myself crying. I finished what I accomplished with a sense of a job well done, but while I was doing it I thought of so many things. Things like my dreams are like all of the detritus laying on the ground- all broken and shattered and I feel like I am losing everything. I feel like no matter how good I have been or how much I have tried it is all useless... and all that's left is to pick up the pieces that are left and throw them away. I am not even sure that I will still have left which is me is really worth much anymore. Everything feels too broken, the nightmares are driving me mad, and I will admit that when you realize that you are just starting to ignore the chest pain because it is coming so constantly and consistently... I think that is a problem. I wonder if there are some hurts that just go too deeply to heal. And yet, I felt satisfied and relatively happy as for a few hours I held the world an arm's length away and picked up trash and just thought about things. I thought about fence building and how to survive through this next year. I was even silly enough to imagine having myself in enough shape that I gardened next year, and raised a pig or two and got a companion for Casey would would really like one.

I also thought about how alone I feel and my desire to hide from almost anything and anyone these days- friend or foe. I think it is safe to say that this confusion and depression that seems to have settled into my soul will walk many more miles with me... I have no idea how to shake it off. I have even stopped going to counseling- it just doesn't seem very worthwhile. It feels almost like I am surrounded by dementors and I want to fight them and make them go away, but I have no wand... I am no wizard... and I am too weary to even try and conjure up the words of the spell. And yet... I am blessed. I have many friends and family who care and worry for me. I think people would do more if I let them, but instead I hide and pretend that everything is OK to almost anyone and I don't talk about these things to almost anyone. I wonder who I think I am kidding... I know that someday I will feel better- at least I hope I do. These last few years have been pretty horrible. I am working to think good thoughts and read my scriptures because I do not think that Heavenly Father has abandoned me and in many ways, I am sorry for the sorrow that he is feeling over this situation. I know he is looking after me in my trials.

So I am headed to bed after this long day. My head is full, my heart is heavy and the feeling of peace I had earlier is gone. And to add a funny note to the day, I burned my back something terrible from my time outside. (A good lesson for people like me who are OK with being immodest when no one is watching... if I had been wearing a shirt I wouldn't have had that problem.) But I think the time that I spend outside, working and thinking and really being introspective was well spent. So many of my earthy brothers and sisters share the same trial in their future (or their past) as I struggle to face now. I hope that I will be successful in enduring and doing what my Father would have me do. And on a short term note... I hope I sleep tonight! :)

Yesterday....

... was a great day. What I tried to do was slip a little bit of fun into my day in between the internships, the job applications, the cleaning and the work and here is some of the fun I found.

I took Casey out of his yard and brought him to a huge patch of clover... I was unable to get a good picture of him as he is too busy eating! :) I spent a few hours talking with him and doing some yard work and giving him the time to get his fill of fresh stuff. I felt like I could almost see him smile. It was wonderful!

While I was cleaning up outside I lifted some boxes off the ground and I recognized the slender tail or a newt (or a salamander- I'm not sure which and I am happy for suggestions. :) So being the nosy and curious and just plain adoring of 'almost any animal or amphibian I can get my hands on' person, I had to say hello and hold him and feel him warm up in my hand. Every year when I see these lizards I am struck by their color and beauty. And they look so fragile and graceful at the same time. They are really a treat to see.

And then for the first time I went to look at the goslings that just hatched. The parents and their young ones were safely in their house and did not appreciate my bothering them... and pictures were VERY hard to get. Luckily, my geese are more bark than bite and while I was a little deaf for a few minutes after I left the house.... it was worth it! :) We let them out of the house today to eat grass and Teddy (the pooch) has been so cute as he wants to play with them very much and whines when the adults (Sir John and Mistress Ford) chase him away. It is quite funny.

Lastly, before I re-entered the world of work away from home... I took Casey into his yard and gave him a good brushing. I think that I could produce a whole new donkey out of the amount of winter hair i puled off. He still needs a few more times with the brush but I think he had a great time and I sure did as well. It was lovely to see the hair blowing in the breeze and to just feel useful and so in touch with the farm again. I will have to see how much my life changes over the next few years...

It was just a nice, joyous, calm interlude in my busy crazy life and I really wish and hope that I can do it again some time. It was a blessing and a boon to my mental state and mood that I needed and just felt wonderful and worthy and honest. :)