The Nun Files: Beginning Discussion and Diary

Well, I have finally finished the transcription! Between everything else going on, it took me all summer. I will admit that I am glad that it is done and I can turn it in... and be able to share it with you... and my teacher who I am sure is just dying to grade it! OK, maybe that's not true. :)

So I am going to break the interview into a few parts because the interview as transcribed is almost fifty pages long - not double spaced. For those of you who are interested in buying the book that this beautiful sister has written(which both myself and my son adore) please look at the fifth and final transcription post for details. You can also leave a comment with an email address for me and I will make sure that you get the information if you need more specific information. All the money made from the books goes to a great cause which is described near the end of the fifth post on the interview.

Interview Diary

The interview was conducted in the convent kitchen. As the convent is a small home set up for one person, it is a very cozy place. Before the official interview, we introduced ourselves to each other and had some light chat about each other. We gave some basic facts about each other and our likes and lives. The kitchen was pleasantly lived in. Not austere and empty like I might have expected. It was warm, comfortable and the perfect interview spot. The interview occurred over a period of about four hours with some breaks due to convent business- it goes without saying that a nun has very few 'days off.' All recording breaks have been marked on the transcript and the recording was paused to be sure to keep the anonymity of those who were calling for personal and private reasons. The interview was performed in the kitchen with almost no movement- any movement is marked on the transcript. Just two women having a comfortable chat with large mugs of tea. It was a great time and very enlightening! I appreciated the opportunity. :)

I'm Back! :)

Sorry I disappeared for a month. I have had a lot on my mind and I have been trying to wrap my brain around things. I think it is safe to say that I am feeling a bit better and even a tad bit optimistic about the future and what it may hold. So thank you for the break and I will try to get back to the grindstone. :)

Today's Activities and Introspection

Today, I spent a few hours out in the sun. Spring is really finally here! While this spring is different than other springs here, I have become determined to press forward and not just let everything at home go because I feel jumbled and scared and just hesitant to do anything- I wish I was more hesitant in my thoughts... they just seem to go everywhere and I am having a hard time keeping them upbeat these days.

So, when I was able to this morning, I headed outside. I stood for a few minutes with my eyes closed and just enjoyed the sun... feeling the rays and the warmth and the slight breeze. Then I took a deep breath and got to work. Instead of gardening this year and trying to full scale farm I figure that I should just try to clean things up and try really hard to get the property ready for next year and if I am lucky, I will be able to work it next year. So to start, I brought Casey out so that he could keep me company and eat the fresh growing grass and clover. He seemed to have a great time and was quite round in the belly a few hours later when I returned him to his yard. And while he ate I chattered at him, prayed out loud and filled small bags with whatever detritus I could find. I filled boxes with kindling, pulled up and moved stock paneling from the tightly woven grass holding it to the ground. I shuffled my feet through the long grass and filled a few bags with fence parts that I couldn't see but I could feel with my bare feet. It wasn't much and only a few hours of work... and I should have been doing school work. Then I left and mowed a few lawns for some elderly people who can't do it for themselves and had a friend spoil me and take me out to dinner. But I found a few things in my mind while I was working in my yard that were interesting revelations to me.

One was the sorrow of picking up the miscellaneous debris- I was surprised to feel myself crying. I finished what I accomplished with a sense of a job well done, but while I was doing it I thought of so many things. Things like my dreams are like all of the detritus laying on the ground- all broken and shattered and I feel like I am losing everything. I feel like no matter how good I have been or how much I have tried it is all useless... and all that's left is to pick up the pieces that are left and throw them away. I am not even sure that I will still have left which is me is really worth much anymore. Everything feels too broken, the nightmares are driving me mad, and I will admit that when you realize that you are just starting to ignore the chest pain because it is coming so constantly and consistently... I think that is a problem. I wonder if there are some hurts that just go too deeply to heal. And yet, I felt satisfied and relatively happy as for a few hours I held the world an arm's length away and picked up trash and just thought about things. I thought about fence building and how to survive through this next year. I was even silly enough to imagine having myself in enough shape that I gardened next year, and raised a pig or two and got a companion for Casey would would really like one.

I also thought about how alone I feel and my desire to hide from almost anything and anyone these days- friend or foe. I think it is safe to say that this confusion and depression that seems to have settled into my soul will walk many more miles with me... I have no idea how to shake it off. I have even stopped going to counseling- it just doesn't seem very worthwhile. It feels almost like I am surrounded by dementors and I want to fight them and make them go away, but I have no wand... I am no wizard... and I am too weary to even try and conjure up the words of the spell. And yet... I am blessed. I have many friends and family who care and worry for me. I think people would do more if I let them, but instead I hide and pretend that everything is OK to almost anyone and I don't talk about these things to almost anyone. I wonder who I think I am kidding... I know that someday I will feel better- at least I hope I do. These last few years have been pretty horrible. I am working to think good thoughts and read my scriptures because I do not think that Heavenly Father has abandoned me and in many ways, I am sorry for the sorrow that he is feeling over this situation. I know he is looking after me in my trials.

So I am headed to bed after this long day. My head is full, my heart is heavy and the feeling of peace I had earlier is gone. And to add a funny note to the day, I burned my back something terrible from my time outside. (A good lesson for people like me who are OK with being immodest when no one is watching... if I had been wearing a shirt I wouldn't have had that problem.) But I think the time that I spend outside, working and thinking and really being introspective was well spent. So many of my earthy brothers and sisters share the same trial in their future (or their past) as I struggle to face now. I hope that I will be successful in enduring and doing what my Father would have me do. And on a short term note... I hope I sleep tonight! :)

History of a Song: May - "Reverently and Meekly Now"

The words for this hymn were written by Joseph L. Townsend (1849-1942) and the music was written by Ebeneezer Beesley (1840-1906) The text for this hymn was written in 1891 and in 1986 the journal of the Hymn Society of America praised this hymn for its 'special poignancy'.

Joseph Townsend was born in Pennsylvania in 1849, but traveled a bit when he was younger and ended up growing up in Ohio, Kansas and Missouri. He attended the University of Missouri and later moved to Utah to try and improve his health and well being. In 1872, he converted the the LDS church and later served a mission for this church. He was a principal of Payson High school in Utah and taught at Brigham Young Academy in Provo. He has a total of ten hymns in the current LDS hymnal and he died in Payson Utah on April 1, 1942. His hymns and songs include 'Choose the Right' and his words and works have been quoted many times over the year by various general authorities including our current prophet Thomas S. Monson. Mr Townsend is also listed as one of the '75 Significant Mormon Poets' or 'Early Mormon Poets of Note'. (On a funny side note, I couldn't find a picture of this artist to display... but he does have his own Facebook page. :D )

Ebenezer Beesley was born in England in 1840. His family converted to the Mormon religion when he was quite young and he was baptized in September 1849. When he was an adult, he emigrated to Utah territory in the George Rowley handcart company with his family- they were in the eighth company and Mr Beesley was known to play his flute for the group when everyone was camped at night. They later moved to Salt Lake City and he served in many musical positions in his ward which included choir director and music director. Mr. Beesley was a contributor to the Juvenile Instructor magazine and was also one of the few who was appointed by the prophet John Taylor to oversee the publication of the first LDS hymnbook which included music- there is a picture online of the artist with this prophet that the LDS church has in its archives. In 1880, he became the director of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir and was with the choir when they made their first trip to perform out of Salt Lake City. Eleven hymns in the current LDS hymnal contain music written by this author. He was known to play the violin and a picture of him and his violin was published in the book “The Mission”.

One unusual aspect of this song is that the lyrics speak from the Savior's point of view and not from a third person position. This aspect of the song helps to make the hymn more personal as we sing it and hear the pleading of our Savior in the words that we echo around us. Another aspect about this hymn that is not common in most hymns is that this particular song has whole verses that are song by only one gender. Whole verses and words attributed to the Savior are sung only by female voices. In that sense, this is one hymn that gives women in the LDS church a voice during Sacrament. All of the rest of the ordinance is presided over by priesthood holders alone... but in this hymn and a few others that are usually used for the sacrament portion of the meeting women have a part all their own that is important and beautiful in its own right. And if you think about it, this way of singing in church is not only unusual, but seems to be almost entirely restricted to sacrament hymns. In my mind, this gives women a power of their own to bless the sacrament in their own way in this important and necessary function of our meetings and our salvation. (That said, in many congregations, men do sing the female only parts making this thought sort of a mute point... and not all women are sopranos so it could be argued that even some women are left out of this 'blessing'. :)

This hymn is currently #185 in the LDS hymnal. It is a favorite of many members and has been performed by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir as well as numerous other artists. I researched this hymn because it is a favorite of my cousin Lance. What does this song mean to you? Please share.

Yesterday....

... was a great day. What I tried to do was slip a little bit of fun into my day in between the internships, the job applications, the cleaning and the work and here is some of the fun I found.

I took Casey out of his yard and brought him to a huge patch of clover... I was unable to get a good picture of him as he is too busy eating! :) I spent a few hours talking with him and doing some yard work and giving him the time to get his fill of fresh stuff. I felt like I could almost see him smile. It was wonderful!

While I was cleaning up outside I lifted some boxes off the ground and I recognized the slender tail or a newt (or a salamander- I'm not sure which and I am happy for suggestions. :) So being the nosy and curious and just plain adoring of 'almost any animal or amphibian I can get my hands on' person, I had to say hello and hold him and feel him warm up in my hand. Every year when I see these lizards I am struck by their color and beauty. And they look so fragile and graceful at the same time. They are really a treat to see.

And then for the first time I went to look at the goslings that just hatched. The parents and their young ones were safely in their house and did not appreciate my bothering them... and pictures were VERY hard to get. Luckily, my geese are more bark than bite and while I was a little deaf for a few minutes after I left the house.... it was worth it! :) We let them out of the house today to eat grass and Teddy (the pooch) has been so cute as he wants to play with them very much and whines when the adults (Sir John and Mistress Ford) chase him away. It is quite funny.

Lastly, before I re-entered the world of work away from home... I took Casey into his yard and gave him a good brushing. I think that I could produce a whole new donkey out of the amount of winter hair i puled off. He still needs a few more times with the brush but I think he had a great time and I sure did as well. It was lovely to see the hair blowing in the breeze and to just feel useful and so in touch with the farm again. I will have to see how much my life changes over the next few years...

It was just a nice, joyous, calm interlude in my busy crazy life and I really wish and hope that I can do it again some time. It was a blessing and a boon to my mental state and mood that I needed and just felt wonderful and worthy and honest. :)