Thoughts on Conversation and Healing...

When I was volunteering yesterday, I was given a blank diary from 2008 with beautiful pictures and quotes on different pages. I liked the pictures so I brought it home to glance through and a quote on one page really caught my eye. It is:

'One of the most valuable things we can do to heal one another is listen to each other's stories' – Rebecca Falls

I had three thoughts as I was reading and pondering this. The first was that it really is healing to be able to talk about what is on your mind- at least it is for me. When I do not talk about things it almost feels like bad thoughts are able to 'fester' and become an infection in my mind. And healing an 'infection' is a lot harder than trying to deal with the original thoughts. I can understand the need for secrets and for not discussing EVERYTHING on your mind, but I also think that many times, problems are more easily ironed out if the feelings and thoughts are discussed quickly. I think that having someone who cares for you and listens is great and does help in the healing process especially in very painful circumstances. I don't even think that they have to actually agree with you... to just be there and to care means so much.

Another thought was that some people do not feel comfortable listening or even being listened to except in rare circumstances. And other individuals have suggested that discussing a hurt can be not only complaining but harmful depending on the complaint. An example that I thought of was a discussion on Facebook where a friend discussed her hurt and anger at the treatment she had received by church members in her ward in Utah. Another person piped in and suggests that she was in the wrong to even suggest something bad happened at church because that makes the church look 'bad'. It was even suggested by someone that saying anything that can be construed as bad is 'anti- Mormon'... and so therefore this person is as well. In this case, an act of potential healing became another painful act which created more hurt, anger, and separation- even feelings of betrayal. Nobody, even the church defenders, were looked at in a positive light by the outsiders of the conversation that I heard from. And that feels fairly sad, because I have no doubt that everyone, including the original speaker, loves the Mormon church. But the conversation itself became another nail that could be used against the church instead of an opportunity for healing. While I agree that some people in some instances and due to our perception may discuss the same hurts more times than we think they should, I can see how that would happen if the individuals never felt listened to or had their feelings validated at any time in any conversation.

The last thing that I thought of was how polarized I feel our society is right now... and it feels like nobody wants to listen to anybody unless the individuals involved already agree on everything. I feel like the world is full of so much blame and anger and there is nothing that I can do. Yes, I can listen and I can pray and I can hope and show patience.... but I am just one. And it doesn't feel like it makes a difference at all. I go to the foodbank every week and I listen to those who are looking for work and have been for so long and have been unsuccessful for reasons they can do nothing about such as poor teeth, chaotic living arrangements, homelessness, disability, mental illness, no transportation, etc... These people are stuck in catch 22's and I cannot help them either. Heck, I didn't get the last job that I applied for and I am still looking. Last year, I joined a program to help my family become more stable, more financially independent and to get the help we need to move forward. The program is over and considered a success, with promises never fulfilled and our family even less together and stable than when we entered the program. We have no team, no help, less financial stability and our family is broken. We are more alone than we have ever been. And so many others are as well. In a world full of people, that doesn't really make sense to me at all. I want to help, but I am starting to think that my hands are not strong enough to even help/support me... let alone anyone else.

I really believe that being able to talk can really heal pain and sorrow (and anger) and can help people move forward. How can we draw a line so that people can talk without so much fear? The fear of judgment and being misunderstood looms large in many... including myself which is why I have learned to hold my tongue on so much. I am not sure that I am served in that regard as well. I do think that my soul is starting to fester which makes it even harder for me to feel comfortable around anyone. What can you do in your life to try and change this? What suggestions do you have to help other's feel comfortable talking with you? What would make it easier to talk to someone else when you need to spill? How would you support yourself if you needed some help for a while from someone outside your family- whether emotional, financial, etc...?

The Late Kievan Era: Vsevolod III and the Early Development of Ukraine

During the reign of Vladimir I, the country-state of Kievan Rus was brought into stability, Christianity, as well as economic security. After his son's were placed in positions of power in cities around the state with ready militias and some autonomy, it looked as though Kievan Rus was ready for a golden age of peace and prosperity. This was not to be and right before his death in 1015 AD, Vladimir's many sons began to fight for more control, larger land areas and supreme power over all as well as wealth. This bloody infighting continued with little respite as different princes began to exert more control over their lands and fight off invaders- whether 'relative' or foe. For almost one hundred years, brothers killed brothers and other relatives with a few brief periods of stability between periods of strife and civil war. The next ruler of note was Vladimir Monomakh in 1113 AD. However, by 1132 Ad, Kievan Rus was beginning to seriously divide and fragment due to internal tensions between the differing princes and the city of Kiev could no longer be counted on to produce an occasional strong and unifying ruler. Other economies and other political centers began to assume more importance during this time including the cities Vladimir-Suzdal (in Suzdalia), Galicia-Volhynia, and Novgorod... and another hundred years of various times of vague calm and civil war were to commence. During this time, a large period of relative calm and economic success was brought about by the rule of Vsevolod III. He lived from 1154-1212 and was known as the 'Grand Prince' as well as by the name Vsevolod the 'Big Nest'- due to his fourteen children. In this paper, I will discuss the life and successes of Vsevolod III, some of the reasons for his success, and the populating of the lands we now call Ukraine- or “the breadbasket of Europe”.

Vsevolod was one of the children of Yuri Dolgorukivi who is known as the founder of the city named Moscow around the year 1156.(Yuri I) It is not known exactly who is his mother was (he was the 10th/11th of fifteen known children, but historical speculation suggests his mother was Helene Komnene, a Greek princess who took Vsevolod with her to Constantinople after his father's death. It was in Constantinople at the Komnenoi court that he spent his childhood, returning to Kievan Rus in 1170 and possibly visited Tbilisi where he might have met his future wife. Before 1186 Vsevolod married his first wife, Mary Shvarnovna of Ossetia- she bore him 14 known children and died in 1206. Mary devoted her life to works of 'piety' (and clearly having children!) and was later glorified as a saint in the church. In either 1207 or 1209, Vsevolod married Liubov Vasilkovna, the daughter of Vasilko Bryacheslavich who was Prince of Vitebsk- they had no children that are known.

During the early parts of his reign, Vsevolod participated in many military struggles and was not known for being merciful. He increased his holdings by strengthening the defenses on the middle Volga, building outposts along the northern Dvina, seizing towns from Novgorod, and appropriating its lands along the Upper Volga. He had limited success, however, in bringing Novgorod itself under his control. He put people in charge of areas who would do his will and was not accepting or tolerant of disobedience. He was known as a great military commander and in “The Tale of Igor's Campaign” it is written - “Great prince Vsevolod! Don't you think of flying here from afar to safeguard the paternal golden throne of Kiev? For you can with your oars scatter in drops the Volga, and with your helmets scoop dry the Don.” For the church, he was much more generous and in his capital city of Vladimir he had built the Cathedral of St Demetrius in 1197. When the Assumption Cathedral was destroyed by a large fire in 1185, he had it rebuilt under his direction. And around the year 1200, his wife Mary founded the Princess Convent presumably with his blessing.

During his life time, he was acknowledged as the dynasty's senior prince, but Vsevolod focused his attention on his lands and of the neighboring principalities of Rianzan and Murom. His sons, following their father's example, devoted themselves to their northern concerns and withdrew from 'southern' politics. Vsevolod III ruled for 36 six years until his death on April 14, 1212 of natural causes at the age of 58 (a rare way to die for a military man!)

So by 1200, the northeastern area of Kievan Rus known as Suzdalia had become quite important... and its ruler Vsevolod III had dominated the other princes in the south for the over quarter century that he had been in power. There are a few clear reasons that Vsevolod III was able to be so successful in his quest for power and wealth. One important reason was his luck of geography- Suzdalia had many rivers including control of most of the upper Volga river. Some of these rivers flowed in and out of neighboring territories which gave Suzdalia an opportunity to act as a middleman between other states that their ruler did not hesitate to take advantage of. In addition, the soil of the area was rich and fertile. Agriculture was easier to develop in this area than in other parts of the Kievan Rus state. When you also add the fact that Suzdalia had fewer problems with foreign enemies than some of its southern counterparts- and by the 12th century, its primary enemy the Volga Bulgars were on the defensive and less likely to attack.... it is not surprising that many new cities sprang up in this state. All of these factors would have made migration to this area quite attractive to many people which can also help explain how the population grew so quickly around this time. Most of the migration appears to be Slavic populations moving to the safer areas to avoid the constant incursions by nomadic tribes that continued in the south. It should also be mentioned that because the Suzdalia area was an area of high migration, it gave the princes more power than the rulers of the older, more entrenched areas. Trade would have been a good reliable source of income during this time with fewer enemies, lots of 'controlled' rivers and waterways, more individuals to make or grow goods, and the possibility of acting as a middleman on some rivers to neighboring states. An 18th century Russian historian named V.N. Tatishchev states “the Volga Bulgars were constantly trading in Suzdalia where they sold grain, valuable objects, cloth and other goods around the Volga and Oka.” Other sources suggest that trade was a very common occurrence during this time before the Mongol invasion.

The territory that we now call Ukraine still has almost all of the same geological benefits that were exploited during the time of Vsevolod. The soil is still rich and will produce large high-quality yields. It had heavy forests in the twelfth century which would have been used for housing, heat, and trade. It had plenty of rivers for drinking water, agriculture and animal husbandry, travel, etc... Animals for fur and/or food would have been fairly easy to find as well. Add the idea that this area would be mostly safe from invaders and it would be hard to imagine why everyone in the area didn't move there! And several sources describe the rich and frequent trade in this area... as well as the thriving culture.

I found a few things interesting when I was researching this paper. For instance, I laughed out loud at finding a genealogy website that showed the links between George Washington and Vsevolod III... and all sorts of others! I was also amused to find that this great man has his own Facebook page- it doesn't look like it is updated frequently, but...wow! And one site helped me to place this time frame with more clarity in my mind because it linked the year of Vsevolod's death with the failure of the children's crusades- I think one of the worst parts of history that I have ever studied... or at least the worst ideas I have ever heard of. The Suzdalia state sounds like it had many places in which it would be possible to work for a living, enjoy some medium of safety and also have the opportunity for culture. This was a really fascinating research project... and so I look forward to the next one!

Family - The Ties that Bind... and Strangle... and Mangle.....

Over the last few days, I have been watching a family feud erupt slowly over a friend's Facebook page.   Before the disagreement came on to Facebook, it had apparently been waged for years through heated discussions and family debate and spiteful anger.  In the week leading up to this blowout a 'texting war' broke out with the members of one faction angrily berating and shaming members of the opposition through text.  One person finally simply lost her composure and her hurt, angry brain vomit was splashed across her Facebook wall to be seen and digested by her seventy- odd friends.  And this is where I and her other friends entered the picture.

As I read the 'writing on the wall', I felt so much sorrow.  She was vague about who was causing her the problems (family) and what the disagreement was about, but it was clear that she felt hurt, not valued or appreciated, and that she felt that she wasn't being listened to or heard.  Then the fun began....

A few family members struck back and it became apparent that the 'texting war' was very nasty.  So many rude comments and all by name.  So while she spared her family by being very vague, she was not spared at all.  Some of the comments were:

1. Just a note:  I thought J and D were divorced.  That means that J is not part of the family anymore. "If D and J are divorced that means she is not part of the family anymore.  She can be your friend, but she is not family.”

2. You are acting like such a baby

3. yeah, trashing your family is such an ADULT thing to do

4. What you think of us doesn't count - you're family!

5. you have to be so melodramatic

6. I love you , but I can't believe you are causing all this trouble and putting this on a public forum.

7. why can't you be more Christ-like?

8. I like how N is a part of the family...when noone including J and A and D have anything good to say about him besides he gives us things. ;-) Thank goodness E and I are not a part of the drama anymore (that's my gift for eternity)... Heavenly Father looks out for us! I hope you guys can work things out civilly though. Good luck. ... I'm sure something will work out though. I know you just needed to vent so I'm not going to get into this. You guys are fam and You guys know how to work things out. Good Luck!

9. I am adult enough to stand up for things I do.  Obviously she is not with her childishness!  So any day she'd like to hash it out...I'm more than willing!"

10. "Yeah...because J said nothing derogatory about me.  And she didn't drop J, D or A's name in it.  I've had a talk with all of them that took it offensive.  But we're all over it by just considering the source.

(I left all the misspelling and language and just removed names above)

While the comments mentioned above were pretty severe, the comment that popped up over and over like a theme was 'You are making the family look bad'.  Leaving aside the fact that these people's comments made them look bad all by themselves, what really bothered me was the idea that she 'should not' have talked about the family outside the family.  That bothers me a great deal.

Less than a few decades ago (and still probably pretty common today), kids were told to not talk about family stuff that would make the collective whole look bad.  So if you were abused or molested by a family member, you couldn't talk about it.  If you did, the concern was that the family would look bad and that would be your fault.  That kind of flawed logic (someone does something bad, you say so, the bad thing is now your fault) strikes against the grain to me for a few reasons.

The first reason is that I find it appalling that the 'world' and people outside the family are given more power in the family.  Heavenly Father gave us families so that we would have tight groups of people who care for each other and will protect each other from the dangers of the outside world.  The family unit itself seems to me to be the most important unit of all. Yes, some families are broken and need mending- mine certainly is. But if a family sacrifices the happiness and security of one family member for the least embarrassment for the rest of the group, I think that is just plain wrong.

Another reason is that forces family members who are hurt to suffer in silence. Who else can you talk to if not your family....? (Is that why there are so many counselors around... because so many people cannot talk to family? ) Some individuals cannot 'suffer' in silence without literally cracking up. So not only would their happiness and comfort be sacrificed by the family, but also their mental well being/sanity. That seems like an unacceptable cost.

Now, please do not think that I am suggesting that families should not have secrets from the outside world. Many things that happen in the family should stay in the family. I do advocate however, that some things- even petty things- should be taken outside of the family if necessary for reasonable reasons. Those will vary between individuals and families and what they feel comfortable with. However, once something is out of the family, it is 'out' and spending your resources and times insulting other family members and arguing about whether it should be out or not is pretty silly. It is also more likely to make the problem worse and harder to resolve due to bitterness, etc.... Compromise will also become so much more difficult. If someone is wrong, it is a lot easier for them to change their mind if they can do it without too much loss of 'face'.

This battle ended as most people would have predicted by some of the comments above. The owner of the Facebook page became even more frustrated and tired of the comments and removed all of her family from her friends list- about twenty names. Neither side has changed their mind and both sides seem angry and bitter. I do not foresee an end to this rift soon... but since this family is Mormon, when they all die, they will have to live together. Might be pretty tough if no one is talking to each other :D

So, I will continue to work on my family difficulties. I will try to remember the thoughts that I have outlined above as I continue to make my family whole and happy. This argument was so sad on so many levels. But the worse part about it was the subject.

The family was arguing about Christmas presents.