The Experiences of Kevin Michaud working for the ICRC

This was one of the most interesting and painful lectures I have ever listened to. I decided to write about the conversation with Kevin Michaud and some of the things he said… because my mind has continued to dwell on it over the weekend no matter how much I try and focus on other thoughts. I will sit down to do or read something and I will find that my mind will be dragged back to the lecture or the responses to questions that Mr. Michaud made. I have found myself bouncing back and forth in my thoughts between phrases I hear echoing from his talk and then an image I get from different readings. I think the fact that my brain does that is a testimony to how some of the experiences in genocide are so universal and so similar and how our perceptions of them in our learnings are also colored by what we see, expect and filter through our own thoughts, biases and experiences. So for those of you who didn’t make it to the seminar, here are a few excepts from it and my thoughts on them….


"Bill Clinton told his staff to not use the word genocide because if they did he would be required to act."

I read something about this in some of the links for the Rwandan genocide as well as the textbook reading. I’m not even sure what to say about this. It feels a little bit like a boy in a sandbox with all the toys and the adults are his and he sees a child sitting by the side of the sandbox… and he tells everyone to ignore that child so he doesn’t have to share his toys, blessings, benefits, etc… Was President Clinton too busy having sex with his interns to pay attention to the fact that people were dying and suffering in large numbers? (That was a low blow, sorry) Clearly not as he realized it and actively worked on making sure he didn’t have to do anything. I don’t understand how someone can become so focused on getting the job of the US presidency and then want to hold onto it so much that many of the reasons that they wanted that position are no longer valid…. and they no longer do what they say they wanted to do. I can recognize that as an outsider who has never had the job that I do not understand the nuances and stressors that the job actually entails. However, as a human being I am still accountable for my decisions by others and if I have picked values and things that I believe are important… I should stick with them. It’s a tiring phrase, but “What is right is not always popular and what is popular is not always right” is really true. Maybe he wouldn’t have been elected again, but he would have done the right thing and isn’t that what we are all supposed to do. I am once again disappointed in my country and the men and the few women who run it. I am constantly told that I am so blessed to be an American… it appears that I am because I can have a few freedoms women in other countries do not and can over consume and be a little safer. I’m not sure that is a blessing if I look at the fact that I live and consume and pay for leaders who let others die for their own comfort and mine… The sad thing is that President Clinton deeply regrets his decision to not act in this case and around the same time, the American public was angry at him for responding in Somalia (which is the main reason he chose to not send the military into Rwanda. I guess it’s easy for me to suggest the right choices now. It’s just so sad though...


"Investigating mass graves – more than twenty years on I still smell them"

What a painful statement… that he ended up making a few times over the discussions on the different situations and genocides he responded to. One thing that I thought was interesting about this statement was I thought I knew the reasons for examining mass graves- body count discover missing individuals, possible autopsy for causes of death, etc… When Kevin mentioned that he did that with the Red Cross it made me wonder what the full motivations and reasons for doing that really are and if the fact that he can still ‘smell’ it is really worthwhile. I found that the task of figuring out all the reasons was really challenging from an internet perspective and only found variations on the same ideas I had: ‘ finding out what happened’, ‘discover the missing or ‘lost’, quelling speculation and questions as well as to restore the dignity of the victims themselves. One site was specific that opening up and examining mass graves ‘provides vital evidence for war crime prosecutions’ while other sites had the same sentiment that examining these places of death helps bring the perpetrators to justice. My question on that is why is a ‘neutral’ group doing any of that process- I can’t imagine that looks neutral and I wondered if at least that particular trauma could be spared from people in these groups like the Red Cross….? So that is an idea that I need more information on and I am sorry that he had to deal with those images and smells along with the other things he did.


"I saw it… I still live it…. I’m broken"

This really hurt to hear and he repeated parts of it over and over again. It made me wonder if things might have been different for him if he had more breaks and more support between assignments and if they changed the assignments so that certain aspects of the job were held by different individuals allowing a little more sheltering of the one person on top. In some cases, I would see that as a bad thing, but in cases like this, I wonder if it would help protect the resiliency of the volunteers and those who give so much to it. Dealing with hatred and the consequences of it over and over and feeling beaten by it constantly is a process that cannot help by cause people to feel broken, to feel like the pain and trouble is so big that it overflows them and they can no longer be a whole person. Maybe that is one reason that I believe in reconciliation so much… I want people to be able to be whole. And maybe I feel so strongly because I want that for myself. I could never do his work… I wish that I could. A part of me has always wanted to help people, but when I try I feel like I not only haven’t made a difference, I have only hurt myself. When he was talking, I thought of a practice of repairing broken objects by the Japanese called Kintsukuroi. I don’t know much about it, but I have a picture of a vase on my wall that was repaired by it. The vase has several breaks in it- some that are from the top to the bottom- and it has been repaired by using precious metals like gold. It is no longer valuable only as a vase and something to look at but as something that retains both of its original attributes but now has value as something that has survived something bad and is more valuable and beautiful for it. I wonder how Kevin and those around him can help him heal and see the parts of him that haven’t healed in a twisted, ugly scar… but are healing into parts that are beautiful and more valuable than the original. Something that caused pain (and may still) but can also be cherished as a new part of the person. Maybe that is easy for me to say because I haven’t had his experiences and I probably will not, but that was what was in my mind as he spoke and I wished I had even a small way to help him fill the cracks with gold and things that make him feel more cherished and valued for his experiences and less ‘broken’.


"Some people are alive today because of what we did… the difference in the lives of a few people."


I am still torn from my research about whether Aid agencies are really helpful in the long term scheme of things. However, what I am sure of is that human beings have caused war as long as they have existed and some suggest even before we were ‘fully’ Homo sapiens. So even if the criticisms of NGO’s keeping wars going on longer is true, I’m not sure that we can give them full blame for the beginning of conflicts. And I do imagine that in the thick of it, he did help people survive who would have had no chance. Thinking about the man, walking down the beach and throwing starfish back into the seas… ‘What I do matters to this one.’ And that is good and right. In his place, I hope I would do the same thing.

I am so grateful for the experience to listen to him and to hear about his experiences. I hope he continues to find fulfilling things in his life and can feel less 'broken' over time. A good man.


pictures from: http://voiceseducation.org/content/rwanda-poetry-genocide, http://nehandaradio.com/2011/04/06/mass-grave-bodies-must-be-exhumed-by-forensic-experts/, https://www.pinterest.com/valerieglerum/11-scars-cuts-and-bruises/,

Fear and Loathing… for “Four Friends”

So after missing a week of class, I arrived last week feeling shaky and tired but, with a drink and tissues in hand and a computer, pen and paper in front of me, I settled down ready for another provocative evening of film and thought. I cannot say that isn't what I got.... ;)

I cannot say that I liked the film “Four Friends” and I dearly wish that I could. At least I wish I could say something definitive about it.... whether I hated it or loved it or something. Instead I feel this mass of emotions that hours later I cannot seem to dispel. I feel twisted up and almost suffocated by the waves of them that flow over my thoughts and are buffeted by the winds of memory, hopes, dreams, and regret. Hours after I arrived home I found myself awake, restless and sweating... feeling the darkness close in as my eyes stared into the nothingness. Every attempt that I made to clear my mind was insufficient and only seemed to throw the distractions into sharper relief... causing even more agitation and restlessness in my heart. So, here I am, trying to empty the swirl of thought vomit in my brain onto the page in the hopes of some relief, some small amount of weariness to be allowed to enter my brain and slow it down enough for the oblivion of sleep to take over and allow the darkness to pull me into the deep. I was vaguely horrified by my reaction and to stay sitting and not to leave... to not walk out of the film and to go home... well, that was a serious amount of work. I am still not sure how I accomplished it.

Within the first few seconds of watching Georgia almost literally waltzed onto the screen, I felt feelings of deep loathing and disgust. She appeared to be a character/ person with traits that I dislike intensely. I felt she had self-confidence bordered on arrogance and an immaturity that frustrated me. I saw her as vain, overly flirtatious, manipulative and even a little benign. And as I watched I was torn between my feelings of dislike and a growing amount of dismay as I started to realize that I didn't like her not only for the 'legitimate' reasons, but I think I also didn't like her because I saw some 'parts' of her that I felt were mirror images of some of the things that I hate in myself. And so, as I sat there loathing her, I realized how much I really loath myself. How I want to be pretty and I'm not. How I want to be liked and to be wanted by the people that really matter to me... and I am not. And how I would love to be able to enjoy things more... and I can't. And I could see her confusion and her hopes and her dreams written all over every aspect of her being... and I could feel my confusion in my youth. I could feel the dreams that I had to be loved and to have a wonderful normal family and to be me... to be cared for as myself even though I am eccentric and I have too much energy and I speak without thinking and I also think a bit too much of myself. I worry about whether I am accomplishing enough and what other people think and all sorts of stuff! So watching Georgia and her behavior was a bit like watching a distorted image of myself and things I wished I was brave to do or feel comfortable doing... and feeling jealous. And feeling angry because I want so much and I can't have it whether I'm good or bad or anything. It's like nothing I do that's right and nice gives me anything positive at all... except the comfort I feel from doing it. And then I feel scared because I think that I am running from life too and I'm not sure that I feel like I want to find it but I don’t want to feel like I've wasted it either. In essence, Georgia is a spitfire... and I am conflicted about them.

Danilo was a very interesting mix of a person and I found myself drawn to him even as I was repulsed by Georgia. I thought I could feel his fear of her and any relationship with her but also his extreme hope and love towards the America that he saw and wanted to exist. He wants a better life than his father has and is frustrated that his father seems so unhappy and doesn't want to better things. As he says, “There is college...” and his father states, “Not for you. In America we work.” His father also says “I'm tired and I have to go to work – that is America.” I heard that line and I can't even express how often I have felt that way. I think I have just thought the ending slightly differently... In my mind, I think “I'm tired and I have to go to work – what else can I do. I'm an adult and I must eat or die.” This is a very different viewpoint than the romantic and fairly extreme viewpoint that Danilo carries in his heart. Danilo is also a bit too honest and speaks his mind and his heart to his detriment. His mouth is both a blessing and a curse as it brings him happiness and a lot of pain. His every word holds so much meaning – when he looked at his father and said ' Dada” … you could hear the hope and joy and 'feel' what that meant to him. That one word became a complex tapestry of images and emotion as we look at his young face.

His friend David was an interesting mix as well. He is overweight and seems to understand life a little more - “between chromosomes and tradition, what else can I do.” He is easy... easy going, easy to lead, easy to love, easy to leave.... easy to forget. And he seems to know this about himself. So he is quick to laugh and think good thoughts of others and worry... sometimes too much... most of the time not much. And Tom.... well, I didn't feel anything much about him at all. I do not feel like until the end of the film he fleshed out much as a character at all. He didn't seem like anything more than a colored shell until he came back from fighting in Vietnam. The funny thing is that I do not feel like he changed that much... but he did in the sense that he seemed more grounded and his character felt more real. I am not sure that I ever really liked him... but I didn't dislike him either. He just seemed like a decent boring guy by the end... isn't that how most of us turn out as adults. :)

And so the movie finally ended. I could still hear the scream of the saddened and distraught mother... who is no longer a mother... and the wife... who is no longer a wife... just a woman. “I don't really know what to do with that word.” Sadly, I am almost in the same situation and I do not know what to do either. I can still feel her loss and her grief and confusion and I can claim those emotions as my own. I hope that someday I will not understand her grief as well as I do now. And I hope I am not offensive if I admit that I never, ever want to watch this movie again. I want to let the images and emotions fade so that I can continue to heal from my past. I want to forget.

Cancer, Chemicals and Hormones

I recently read an article potentially linking chemicals and cancer. I enjoyed the article, but I will admit that I have been one of those people who have suspected chemicals of cancer and other medical problems for a long time. When I was growing up, my family used to joke about how small I was and how much bigger my younger siblings were. In the end, no matter what the causes, I am truly the shortest person in my family- all of my younger siblings are around 6’ tall... or over. When I left my parents home, I was free to become one of those scary crunchy granola environmentalists that you hear about and in many ways I have stayed that way. Lack of funds has caused me to change some of my priorities and I sometimes eat things now or shop at places that I refused to before- haven’t changed all my standards…. Wal-Mart is still once a year or less! I still use very little electricity, eat mostly veggies (even if they are canned) and live as cleanly as possible. I haven’t used a microwave since I moved out of my parent's home and until recently nothing I owned was stored in plastic. I haven’t had a working refrigerator for about a decade so food has to be purchased more often and eaten fairly quickly- any waste goes to the chickens which is very expensive so I try not to have extra.

There were a few tidbits in the article that I didn’t know. For instance, I had never heard the statistics on lower rates of breast cancer depending on onset of menstruation/puberty. That caused me to smile because I was definitely a ‘late bloomer’ – I loved the idea that in that regard, I have less risk. (I did know that menstruation was beginning later… I just had no idea that came with some benefits that many of our girls now lack.) However, there are so many studies out there that suggest that our water and our environment is awash in estrogen because it is given to animals in their food, etc... so I suspect that we are all at high risk for cancer if estrogen is a cause because-male or female- we are all surrounded by it in our water, food, etc.... I also didn't know that there were any safe plastics so for the most part I don't have any in my house- especially in the kitchen. That said I am not sure that silicon and wood are the most healthful either... has silicon ever been tested for chemical leaching? And what is actually in it?

I was happy to see that one of our elected representative introduced a bill to try and work towards dealing with this problem, but then I noticed that this article is almost 3 years old... so I suspect that not only did it not pass, but hasn't been brought up again. I find that a bit sad- I am assuming and didn't look it up but I cant imagine that it passed and it wasn't really big news. I haven't heard about it so again I have assumed. :) I really feel that the regulation in this country tends towards protecting companies, not constituents. And I think that goes for all areas of the market- not just the food market. (An example is cash for clunkers... most cars that were turned in were good cars by individuals who could have afforded to buy a new car anyway... whereas the really bad cars are driven by people who can't think of affording a car with better gas mileage and so they are still driving them. It might have helped with gas consumption a little bit, but it really just seemed to be another bailout for auto companies.) This can be traced a little bit by looking at the organic certification. A few times regulators have tried to water it down for larger conventional business and now I know many organic farmers who do not certify themselves because they are not 'big enough' for it to be worth it. The cost to be allowed to say 'organic' plus the regulation takes all of their profit. I would love for food safety to be taken more seriously in this country and for slaughterhouses to be run at a less breakneck speed- I think it would be better for the animals, the workers and the food. I think that emphasis on local and paying the farmers a living wage (and the people around the farmers a living wage so that they can afford the food) would be one of the best ways to promote food safety and health. I do not suspect that I will be lucky enough to see that in my lifetime however. :)

To Live For Today.....

“Even you are not rich enough to buy back your past... No man is." - An Ideal Husband

Today I feel caught in the past. The memories of my past. The thoughts and fears and dreams of my past. I am finding it hard to live in my life today because my mind is running through the scripts of my past days in such quantity and with such speed. There is so much that I regret, so much that I need to acknowledge and atone for and so much that I have been castigated and thrown over the coals for that I never did. A part of me thinks that it should be a wash and I should have a blank slate like a newborn child.... but I would never want to go back to my childhood and I would not relish losing much of the knowledge that I have gained. Even the knowledge that I have gained from having my feet pressed firmly on the hot firebricks is valuable and useful knowledge and the pain of gaining that knowledge doesn't outweigh the benefits of its possession.

So... I can continue to waste this day and allow my mind and my heart to fall into the dark depressive ruminative state that accompanies sorrow and self pity... or I can sit up and shout “I'm here! I'm good! I'm trying!” I can hold my head up high with my shoulder straight and remember that I am a daughter of God, that he cares and loves me, and that he paid the price so that I can screw up and not have to beat myself whether physically or mentally. I do not have to become a self flagellant. I can remember that this day is the only day like it I will have.... and I can live for today. I can hug my child, kiss my husband and tell all my friends and family that I love them and make today a special day to look back upon instead of having mostly uncomfortable memories. I can break my life down into short pieces so that I can find more success and feel more hopeful and maybe even... joy. And my world will be better for this... and so will my life!

2010 Poetry Corner # 3 - "A Word a Year"

I’m 35

I am…
regretted
confused
scared
fearful
bossy
controlling
insecure
ignorant
stupid
out of control
rebellious
intolerant
fighter
exuberant
ecstatic
faithful
lonely
regretful
individual
loved
stubborn
married
mother
fearful
hopeful
outspoken
frustrated
dying
empowered