Systolic Fluctuation...

Well, the good news is that when I went to the doctor today my blood pressure had improved from last week's low of 82/52. We are not ready to cheer though because 90/58 isn't that much better... but at least my orthostatic hypertension is improving. And being a silly person, I must have gotten a gluten exposure sometime in the last twenty four hours because I am really feeling the effects. I can't for the life of my figure out what I ate so I am guessing that I was 'infected' working at the food pantry yesterday. So I am feeling really good about the systolic improvement, but I probably didn't help my heart much with the pain meds that I took to control the celiac pain this evening. It still sometimes surprises me how much it hurts and how easily I can be exposed to the gluten protein. It is so clear that the only way I was exposed was by working in an area with people eating gluten and microwaving it and touching me- that is such a frightening concept. I am not sure I will ever get used to it. It feels almost like I am a leper... in the sense that anyone who gets near me can hurt me without even meaning to. Celiac disease definitely doesn't improve my social life in the slightest and I find myself saying no to so much. So far this week I have declined an invitation for a baptism as well as a graduation party. It's just not work the risk.

I have managed to actually eat breakfast for six days in a row now and I am going to give it my best shot to do it tomorrow even though I am not sure I will feel up to it. I know that these occasional exposures are one of the things that keeps me from having consistent healthy eating habits... or at least consistently not eating. In some ways I wonder if I am anorexic without the psychological aspect. I am aware I am too thin, I don't like it, but I almost feel powerless some days to change it when I am facing nausea, difficulty finding food, lack of time, etc... The pain is so bad when I do get an exposure that it is so much easier to refuse food than risk the chance of exposure and since food is not easy, it just makes it harder when my life is in upheaval.

But hey, I am grateful that my blood pressure is improving! I am getting ready to have a weekend where I spend time taking care of a friend's farm which I am excited about... and try to get a ton of schoolwork done... which I am also excited about! The opportunity to play with goats, a large flock of chickens and lots of dogs sounds like quite a treat.. or at least I will do my best. I promise I will also eat a lot. So here is to a good... and hopefully... productive weekend! :)

Orthostatic Highs

I have never understood why people would take drugs/ alcohol for a momentary high. There are so many natural ways to find a high. (I will admit that I do not know how similar the 'highs' are) Good exercise will create that high and give you other health benefits as well. The joys of service can give me a high that can last a few hours. Being able to help someone and seeing the joy in their face and posture or even the gratitude and relief is a marvelous experience. I won't pretend that I am getting enough good exercise and I am struggling with my volunteering lately, but a few times a week I have an experience which will give me a high for about a full minute. I am totally having orthostatic problems these days.

For those who are not sure what I am talking about, our bodies can experience sudden blood pressure changes based on movement- usually with the blood pressure falling several points. And this is the experience that I am really starting to discover. It's actually an amazing experience. The longest 'spell' that I have had happened to me this morning, although I will admit that these spells are happening several times a week. This morning, I woke up and stood up from my blankets and, within a moment, my head was spinning. I couldn't see anything but a vision of almost gray sparkly glitter as seen through a kaleidoscope and my knees buckled and I collapsed back onto the bed. Thought becomes extremely difficult and my hearing is impaired. I sensed the dismay of the cats and I felt Jeeves climb up onto my chest as Achilles begin to poke his nose in my face, but I couldn't actually see them or really hear them if they were making noise. I just end up lying there feeling an immense rush of almost peace and slight joy. One of the few thoughts that can seem to get through is a feeling of almost relief and that I wouldn't mind if the feeling stayed longer- although a minute is usually the maximum that it lasts. Today as I started to move my head and attempt to sit up I had a strange thought- “If this is dying, it really isn't so bad.” The thought was a little scary but also made me smile. I am learning so much in this life and I know that my life is in the Father's hands. I must try to care for my body and pray to know His will. I must also learn more trust, even in this period of my life where all trust is difficult. Trust towards the Father and what his plans are for me, trust in friends, and trust in myself.

There are so many that do so much and harm themselves in so many ways to find ways to numb their sorrow, to care for the mental health problems that they face. Some are running from past experiences and some know of no other life. The adversity that many experience in this life can be so much that I marvel that I experience so much less than they. I marvel that they struggle on and do their best... and know that my best wouldn't be as good as their actions on a daily basis. My heart problems are holding steady and these orthostatic problems serve to remind me of the blessings that I have and to help me to feel if only for a few moments the sensations of peace and relief. There are really much worse challenges in life. And a few moments of forced mindfulness... to just lay there and feel myself and my physical presence... I will admit, I do find these things to be a small blessing indeed.