Short glimpses into the life of a squirrel - 6/2/24

This has been a wonderful year for red squirrels. I have a few babies that have been coming to hang out with us and it is lovely! I have a bird feeder hanging up on the tree and as the birds drop the sunflower seeds the squirrels close in.

This little guy lets me get way too close. I love it because I can see the details of his body so much better when I'm closer. Just beautiful!

Here is one of the siblings chattering at me from the clothesline. This one is a little bit more fearful of me so it is constantly chattering at me in the hopes of that I will leave.

Looking forward to all of their little furry souls coming back tomorrow for a snack and some sun.

Eclipse Day post 2 - after the event

The best I could do at 98% totality and just a smartphone.

Eclipse day- post 1

The sun and moon without glasses- 2:31 pm EST

First ladybug of the year!

This made me sooo happy. I love these little guys. I guess spring is really almost here!

Gratitude - 12/18/18

I am so grateful for a few things today.

I am really grateful for my sister in law today. She sent me a message letting me know how much she cares about me and that I have a heart of gold. That message really meant a lot to me and has helped me to smile over the week. It has also brought a thought to mind... what am I doing with that heart of gold? Am I helping others? How am I using that heart and generosity to help others? I am grateful to the joy and wonderment she brought into my life this week.

I love John Oliver. I learn so much from him and appreciate the research and work his team accomplishes to educate his viewers and it makes a difference in my life. One of my final school papers before I graduated was on sexual education - I got the idea for the paper and started my research using one of his episodes. (See link here) I have been able to rest some days this week and go over some of his older episodes and enjoy and relearn. I am glad to have the opportunity to re-watch them through Youtube and think over the information contained in them.

I got two Christmas cards today. One of them is from my brother and his family and the pictures and the joy contained in them are so obvious and wonderful. I put it on my fridge and I look at it every time I walk by. One of my nieces looks a lot like me and I look in awe of genetics and how genes can be turned on in different pieces of different families. Bug doesn't look much like me at all if I think about it. The other card is from a good friend who sent me the newest noise Christmas album that he put together with music from lots of groups. I can't wait to listen to it tomorrow when I'm trying to get a good walk in. I'm not going to do Christmas cards this year so I am very grateful for every card that I get. They give me a lot of joy.

I discovered a new author today- B.B. Haywood. I have started the author's first book ("Town in a Blueberry Jam") and I am enjoying it in my free time very much.


I had a gluten exposure recently and I have been fighting the pain and exhaustion that comes with it. It hasn't been that bad this time and I am so glad that I am spending less time just fighting my body to get it to move and do what needs to be done. I am thankful for my treadmill because I can walk slowly and intermittently in a warm place... Maine sure is cold right now. Being able to try and keep my health up in a warm safe place is not something I take for granted.

I am grateful for my very best friend. She keeps me sane, less lonely, thoughtful, and as self sufficient as I can be right now. She is supportive and I can't thank her enough.

I am grateful for my ex. He really does a lot of things for me and I appreciate it very much. I am very grateful.

What are you grateful for today?

Poetry Submission

I ended up having a little down time today which was much needed and very unexpected. I discovered in one of my favorite LDS Facebook groups (The Exponent) that there was a request for poetry submissions and so I have happily spent the morning hunting through my miscellaneous scraps and posts of poetry for some submissions. I have submitted my chosen poetry and have posted my choices below. All have been published previously on this blog and I have linked each poem to the original post. This was a bit of fun today and it felt wonderful to share some of my work. I needed this opportunity today.


The Spirit of Peace

Eyes closed, breathe deep

legs crossed, head bowed

Feel the world around you

the breeze that lovingly envelopes you

the warmth that seeps through your skin

the spirit that whispers to your heart

Whisper your needs, hear him answer

Give him your heart, feel his love

Breathe in, clear your mind

the thoughts that bring you down

the worries that fret your soul

the fears that trap your agency

Listen with all your being

Be open, be loving, be joyful

Be you!


The Unexpected Change

Relief, sweeping relief

the surprising news comes

My heart feels lighter, suspended

the fear is dissolving, the air more clear

Tears pour down with gratitude

Nothing has changed... just one small tweak

yet the whole world is righted

moving forward feels possible, even doable

Thank you, Father... thanks for hearing

the prayer I didn't dare dream … or whisper


Night Swimming

A click and the darkness flows

quickly to fill all space

cool sheets press against my cheek

arms flayed, spread out

feet dangling in the air

a slight breeze moves the air

leaving ripples of breath and hair

floating, gliding, sinking in the deep

and even though my physical sense hasn't moved

hasn't budged, hasn't twitched

I sense the waves of exhaustion flow in

the riptide of need to rest, to forget, to lessen

A whirlpool of darkness, soft voices and purring

And you sink down, down into the abyss

the light patterns on your lids begin to fade

from white to green and blue

and suddenly you're gone and only spiritual remains

The tide flows by and pulls you in.....

… the hamster on the wheel

… the fears of your heart

… the images of film explored

… the joy of memories relived

… the revelation of things to come

together they flow, merge and tug your mind

As they merge, your breathing slows

yet your mind is full of visions

sometimes you backstroke and float unaided

and sometimes your fears win

Suddenly, the blue turns light

the darkness quickly fading

the movies gone, the images dissolve

only the emotions remain, dripping off

My eyes crash open, appendages start to twitch

consciousness and self break free

A stretch, a yawn... and the images are gone

A day of possibilities beyond

and yet I smile and think of evening

for the joys of night swimming


To Be

To dream is to stretch your soul

... to reach out of your reality to a new place

... to hope for future peace

To plan is to stretch your mind

... to focus on the changes that must be

... to hold onto a goal with purpose

To try is to acknowledge possibility

... of both failure and success

... to move onward anyway

To grow is to reach forth

... to know that to gain may cause pain

... that through adversity, we gain strength

To love is to believe

... to know that the Father loves us

... to have faith in ourselves

... to be


Journey of Recovery

Why so many challenges

I think as I fall

The fall doesn't hurt

The impact breaks all

I struggle to stand

The earth starts to shift

My heart feels torn

My mind feels adrift

How to recover – I do not know

This massive pain

Will it help me grow?

As I recover and life goes on...

Will I feel safe?

Will I ever feel strong?

I will stand up and try to pray

To think nice thoughts throughout the day

And watch for the light that shows the way

To charity, to life, to love secure

All I need is to but endure.


Please feel free to leave feedback if desired...

Poetry Found

Found poetry is a process where you take a page or a chapter of a book and cull phrases out of it to create a new piece of writing... a piece of poetry. I wrote this one from a chapter in a critical thinking textbook. Enjoy.


Ride the wave of knowledge

Learning is messy, sometimes painful

Interdisciplinarity is universal because it is everywhere

Pressures of reality, convention and popular bias …

Weigh too heavily on her mind

For the pure joy

Adhesion, integration, application, transformation…

Bigger than just words

A Hammer with which to shape it

A weapon the size of your fist

It is the journey that matters in the end

Review/ Critique of “The 7 Habits of Highly Affective Teachers"

This is a review of an article I wrote in my last semester of school. A link to the original article can be found here. I have no idea if it is relevant to any of my readers but here it is for your reading pleasure. :)

An important part of any teacher’s continued relevance in their profession of choice is ongoing professional education and knowledge development. The profession of teaching and its function in the lives of families and communities cannot be understated. Therefore, teachers find themselves regularly called upon to suggest and facilitate changes in focus, curricula, and teaching practices. On top of these changes, teachers are also called upon to create lively, ethical, and effective learning environments as well as deal with discipline and different learning styles while supporting the wellbeing of themselves and their students under their supervision. The amount of responsibility given to teachers can be overwhelming and being an effective teacher requires a great deal of physical and mental strength as well as an ability to think quickly and to remain calm and collected in highly stressful situations. It should come as no surprise that this is a tall order to require of any human being on a regular basis, yet society does expect all of these attributes of teachers.

In his article titled “The 7 Habits of Highly Affective Teachers", Rick Wormeli suggests that teachers have an additional responsibility both to their students and themselves; emotional health. Teachers who recognize that their emotional responses to their environment reflect their own biases and may create negative perceptions within themselves are more able to recognize when a situation arises in which their perceptions and attitude create problems. Teachers must also recognize that every student comes to class with their own set of biases and perceptions of the subject, teacher, classroom, etc. and that these biases and perceptions create emotional attitudes that both the student and the teacher need to recognize and respond to. Wormeli states that teachers who wish to be effective in their job must work to be the most affective in their classroom by recognizing their own challenges and understanding each student well enough to evaluate each student’s emotional health. This is a challenging concept which requires that a teacher be introspective and be able to teach that same concept to their students as well. It also requires a teacher to understand enough about each student’s emotional health to recognize when the typical teacher response to a student needs to be modified to promote a constructive, positive learning environment for all. These responses may include changing the ways that lessons are delivered to help students feel more secure in the classroom, responding with kindness when punitive measures would typically be used, giving students the benefit of the doubt, and creating open discussions with students to determine motivations for specific behavior.

Wormeli states that there are seven habits that teachers who want to be highly affective will work to develop. They are: finding joy in others’ success, cultivating perspective and re-framing, ditching the easy caricature, exploring the ethics of teaching, embracing humility, valuing intellect, and maintaining passion and playfulness. In detail, the author describes what each of these habits entail, how to work to develop them, and why they are so important. He ends his article with the statement; “Let us compose virtuous affective habits that will ensure the success of the next generation.” He also suggests that, if we follow his guidelines, we can ensure our own success and emotional wellness - a wonderful outcome indeed.

This article has several strengths that recommend it to potential readers. The author lays out his case for his suggestions very well by mentioning problems many of us face in our work and personal lives, agreed that those problems are negative and need to be changed, and then lays out his suggestions for readers to work to change themselves to help minimize potential stress and difficulties ahead. The author makes clear to readers that emotional health is an integral part of all human beings and asks readers to be introspective about their own biases, feelings, and behaviors and then recognize the emotional needs in others. He suggests that, as each of us work to obtain positive emotional health, we in turn can recognize needs in our students and then respond appropriately to those needs. He acknowledges that sometimes the response will be unusual and having a solid grounding in positive emotional health will set teachers up to make more customized responses to fit the situation and the student’s needs, not necessarily the rule book. When reading the article, the reader is motivated to develop the ‘habits’ for better emotional health by listing problems that all of us face. By describing the negative consequences of poor emotional health in such a way that it creates empathy and understanding in the reader, all readers are motivated to make the changes described and to continue working on them long after the article has been put down and daily life has taken over.

One of the weaknesses of the article is its brevity. Each habit is only lightly described while the positive results of the habit are well described. Therefore, the author makes clear the desired results, but doesn’t give much guidance for how the reader can work to get to those desired results. Giving readers the desire and motivation to get the positive results, but not clearly outlining how to gain those results leaves readers motivated, but potentially frustrated as to what actions to perform to gain the results. While there are a few examples of things that can be done to work towards it, these examples may not be useful to the reader- not all readers will ever be hall monitors, be able to change the policy of percentage grades, etc. Therefore, only extremely motivated individuals who are able and willing to do more research into how to develop positive increases in emotional health will probably be successful. Due to this lack of guidance, the habits seem like a lofty, but unattainable, goal which I believe is the opposite of what the author intended by writing the article.

In the article, the author discusses good positive habits teachers should develop to help students have good emotional health. While the article does mention the need for good emotional health for the teacher, the larger focus is on how the teacher can help the student. I would be interested in knowing what criteria or scenarios teachers can use to determine where they are on the scale of positive emotional health and what they might be able to do to help themselves work towards a solid emotional foundation. I would also be interested in what resources a teacher would be able to use to help themselves or support them in helping their students that would be available to them at their school.

The article gives several examples of behavior that teachers can use to help students develop emotionally healthy habits. Some of these examples include: re-framing situations and perspectives, developing strong attachment to student success, exploring best practices for teacher and student success, and more. I would add that professional environments that make emotional health a priority for all who inhabit its community would create a safe and productive learning environment for all.

In InTASC Standard #9, a teacher is supposed to engage in ongoing professional learning, ethical practice, and a continuous commitment towards evaluating curricula, behavior, and how their choices affect those around them. A teacher who is consistently evaluating their behavior and responses to their co-workers and students with a view to helping build positive relationships and learning environments is a teacher who is able to empathize and use problem solving strategies to differentiate responses between different learners depending on their unique needs. Teachers who have strong ethical codes as well as a focus on their emotional health can become more effective people both in their personal and public life. I suggest that school administrators would do well to provide resources to help teachers develop strong emotional health habits thereby giving teachers the tools to teach and help students develop these same positive habits. As childhood is a time of growth, uncertainty, and emotional flux, this is a perfect time to help students learn healthy emotional habits to support them through their lives.

The Joy in a Moment

I feel pretty good, but so jittery today. My heart is like a slow hummingbird in my chest. I look up at the sky and see all the grey and black, thick and fluffy, awesome clouds crawling over the sky and horizon and as I watch the rain fall... I feel peace. The sky is amazing with full black and dark clouds crawling and pulling themselves forward across the sky filling the air with thick grey shapes and tendrils. They appear to move quickly across the sky and like cotton candy float down into the atmosphere as they move. Some might say that today is a cold gray or dark day, but all I can feel is joy. I stand in the rain feeling the drops touch my face and slip down my cheeks as I look upwards at the brilliant shapes and patterns in the sky above me... and I just feel joy. It's been a long time since I stood outside and didn't feel rushed and pushed to accomplish things. Almost always I struggle with rain and dislike the feeling of water on my skin. But today, everything came together for that amazing moment of time. I feel really blessed and thankful today.

A Conversation With a Friend

I spoke with an old friend a little bit ago. That conversation has been turning around in my head for days. A small piece of it was the casual sorrow that no one had been availed to dress her partner in his temple garments before he was cremated. I have heard so many stories of people who haven't been allowed to help because other family didn't wish it or even the possibility that so many people were available that some would simply be usable to help due to the quantity of volunteers. I have never heard of a church member passing who was unable to be dressed in his temple garments because there was no one who was willing or able to serve. To say that I am appalled suggests a simple emotional response whereas what I feel is much more complex and difficult. As I ponder on that thought and recall experiences of asking for blessings and being unable to get them because priesthood holders were too busy and watching others ask for help and not able to get it either. It's a bit disheartening to see it still happening. I'm a woman and can not given blessings so I can only watch others not get what they need. I am a woman and am limited in what roles I can have in my church. So here I sit and think about all this and wonder when will change happen. When will the church culture stop pulling people in so many different directions so that important service is unable to be performed or even seen as unimportant while decorating for church activities takes more precedence? When will a ward community itself look into each of their hearts and determine that what they want is not to focus on the minutia of culture details and calling desires, but the pure surrender to service. To set aside perfect sacrament programs and instead make sure that shut ins and those in nursing homes get the Sacrament. To have fewer exclusive events that focus on teaching about service and charity... and instead have events that ARE service and ARE Charity. How amazing would it be it the local organizations that support the most impoverished found themselves with no need of volunteers? That families in need were 'adopted' by other families who helped them to get basic needs met, but also mentored and worked with them to find the resources to become more stable on their own. there are some programs that do this- the program in Canada for Syrian refugees comes to mind- what can we as a community of Christ do to create the same amount of successful service? Instead of 'love bombing' people who start to fall away or shunning and ignoring others, what if our focus was pointed so strongly into understanding their needs and to love them that we lost ourselves in the joy of service and love?

I can't change the direction of a culture myself, but I can determine how I respond in it. My response at this point is to move my service and my focus into local groups that are focused on the impoverished.... something I understand a bit to well for my taste. Working with groups that are focused on trying to understand and meet immediate needs for those in my community has been wonderful and I have been amazed at how valued and needed I have felt and how much I have learned. The more I learn, the more I realize how little I have understood about specific topics and I hunger to learn more. This is the service that I feel called to perform. I can't make others see things the same way that I do, but I must confess that I am weary of hearing the stories of people who are not being served in the religious communities that they worship in and I am weary to think that I was one of them.

Dare I ask for all of us to do better... to be better... to reach out to someone everyday and to be the person they need that day? It is the resolution I have for this year and one I feel compelled and called to do. I have hope for a future where I don't hear so many stories of people who are unable to get the help they need. I intend to work as hard as I can to serve better and to seek out those who need me this year. Here's to a focused New Year for all of us!

Too Much Dreaming

Some days are just really really tough. Even when things go right if you sleep really really poorly then nothing really works out very well. Last night I had horrible dreams. Sometimes I'm able to forget that I have PTSD and then I'll go to sleep and I wake up a few hours shaking and sweating and unable to actually recognize that I'm in my own bed and everything is safe. It's a really, really weird thing. I have dreams of policemen coming into my bedroom when I'm sleeping and dreams of my mother sitting on me and folding me into the living room floor in front of friends. I have so many dreams of different things that have happened that really seem to stick and even when I think I forgotten them they seem to come to back to life at night. I keep trying different medications to forget that they are there and yet they still just seem to come. Sometimes I'll go a whole week without one and I can actually forget for a moment that I have them and then I go to sleep and they're back.

All you can do is force yourself to wake up and take the several seconds needed to realize where I am and then try to calm down and remember that everything is okay now even if it wasn't okay then. I've had family members say that I shouldn't talk about this becasue what happened in the past is a personal family matter and you don't share these things with other people even if it is on an anonymous blog where most readers do not know who you are. However, I've never found that anything is successfully solved without talking about it and acknowledging the problem. That's one of the things that I watch people do at church in the past where it's just easier to tell people that have problems to ignore them or pray them away instead of listening to what their actual problems are and trying to help them solve them. Sometimes whatever is easier is not what's right and sometimes the only way to deal with something... no matter how messy and awful and painful it is... is to really talk about it, chew on it, take the time to really remember it for what it is and then try to put it behind you. The more you push something down and try to pretend its not there the more it grows and festers and poisons your soul.

I would truly love to forget so much of what is in my head and I am sort of bothered that I seem to forget so many things that are useful and I can't seem to forget the past. My doctor told me once that PTSD is not a person who is unable to forget the past... It is really that the past along with the experience and emotions of that past will not let go of the person in the present. I will admit that no matter how hard I try to forget things some of them just will not go away ... and they may not show up in my everyday mornings, but they will show up in the night when it's dark and quiet and I feel peaceful and relaxed... and then I'm blindsided by them. I sometimes wish they would go away and sometimes I'm scared of what will happen when they do because I wonder what else worse will come out of my mind.

I wonder sometimes if it is easier to have the same few dreams over and over because at least when I wake up I'm now in the habit of trying to shake them off and trying to calm down. It's sometimes throws me for a loop when I see and hear something old but feels 'new' and I wake up and I can't forget and it seems to take an eternity for me to realize that I am in bed and I am okay. I guess that's one reason that I love cats. If you wake up and you're scared and you're shaking, there's always somebody who's going to come over and ask to be petted and will rub against you to let you know that they are there. I feel quite comfortable embracing my 'old cat lady' persona because they do give me so much joy.

I was reading a book yesterday and one of the characters told Hamish Macbeth that he clearly didn't want to find love. Elspeth felt that what he really wanted was only companionship and if he only wanted to be alone and stuck with a dog and cat for his whole life then that was his choice. At that point, Hamish was really offended and stomped off in a huff... As I read that paragraph, I will admit that I am okay with that for the rest of my life. I think I am more than happy to take companionship over any kind of expressive love with someone else just to have my own place... to be able to feel peace and to have a place of my own that is quiet and safe. I know some would see that relationships of companionship are lesser, but on nights when I wake up and I'm shaking and I'm cold and I'm scared and I'm sweaty and I have no idea what to do I realized I'm also grateful for being alone because I don't have to share this with anybody else anymore. My ex and my son sleep and they hear nothing because they are no longer here. For that I am sometimes intensely grateful.

A Conversation that I never Thought I Would Have.....

Sometimes my son can make me laugh so hard. Boo is such an amazing person with such a creative mind! This conversation is definitely one I never expected to have.....

Me - 'Please stop- we need to be polite.'

Boo - 'Sigh...'

Me - 'Do you know what polite means?'

Boo - 'No touching other people's bums.'

I can't argue with that... ;)

A Lazy Sunday

Today was much needed. I spent most of the day with my Bug and we hiked, cooked, ate brownies, and laughed. I am finishing the day with lots of drawing and completing of homework for the week. However I thought I would share the joy of the rest today in pictures..... enjoy. :)

I feel very blessed and grateful today. I hope all of you had a wonderful Sabbath experience and day today. :)

Little Things

Isn't is interesting that it is the little things in life that really make this journey worthwhile? Each of us has different ideas of what a 'little thing' is in our lives, but each of us can find something we are grateful for. I found myself dwelling on the idea of little things today and how wonderful they make life... and also confound it. How many times have we found our focus moved to a little thing- a small fluid leak from our cars, a short temporary illness, a small want that isn't fulfilled- in such a way that we are unable to fully and clearly focus on the really big things in our life. Sometimes a little thing is vastly important or becomes so... and sometimes we find that it was truly something that we could have ignored and wasted too much of our limited time on. It really is the little things that can bind and bring us joy.

There is so much ugly in the world and my country right now with so much violence and anger... so much I can do so little about. So today my focus is rest, healing, my son and service.... with a small focus on petting cats... boy I love that!

What are some of the little things that you are focused on right now?

So Many Blessings

I'm a bit worn out and frantic tonight with a head full of thoughts traveling a hundred miles a minute. I will confess I should be doing homework and I can't seem to. I am finding myself just thinking and wishing and trying to think good thoughts about angry people. As I realized today that I am spiraling into a bad place, I thought that I would take a moment to really count out some blessings that I have. I am sure that I will not remember enough- I take many blessings for granted, but I will admit that I am a pretty lucky lady.

I have five amazing cats! They are so happy on the days that I only work half days because we can spend time together. We eat and laugh and run on the treadmill together as they jump on and slide off. It is hard to get lost in your thoughts when you have to watch for cats underfoot on a fast moving belt. My treadmill is starting to wear out which is pretty sad but i have had it a few years and i will admit I do beat them up. :)

I have a great place to live. It's cute and small and just feels comfortable. Brock loves it as well and we spent some of today wandering in the woods looking at the birds and picking up trash from the previous tenants that had blown into woods behind the house. We filled up the trunk of my car with trash- not that much but it's bulky stuff and I'll drop it off on my way to work tomorrow.

My Boo is my joy. It is awesome that he still wants to spend so much time with me. I always imagined a teenager who was aloof and somewhat distant, but that isn't what I have. I have a young man who still loves my hugs, wants kisses on his nose and is willing to talk my ear off on walks about what's in his mind. I know that will probably change someday, but I am enjoying it while it lasts.

I have a well running car, Old but useful, and an ex who loves to fix it when it has problems. I use the car for so much between CPR and pharmacy work and school that I am constantly racking up the miles. But it rarely lets me down. That's awesome considering its 20 years old.

I have fallen in love with the ferrets myself. I never really imagined having such silly pets- they are weasels you know.... but they are awesome. Sometimes they will climb into bed with me and curl up under the covers like cats. They are soft and Strawberry will lie there and lick my chin as I fall asleep. It's neat. yes, they can be a pain but they are teaching me so much and Brock loves them so much I sometimes wonder if his heart would burst with feeling of it. He gives them horsey rides on his back, extra treats and just snuggles and chats with them, giggling when they kiss him. I look at them and smile... I can't help it.

I have a few really amazing friends. They watch over me and put up with my silliness, my PTSD, my fears and anxieties and more foibles that I would like to admit. They keep me smiling when things get tough and love me no matter how weird I get. Those are some of the most amazing blessings of my life. :)

I have the gospel of Jesus Christ in my life. I have my scriptures- both large print and small- that I can use when ever I want. I have opportunities to pray, to ask questions, to love, and to talk with my Heavenly Parents. While everyone should have that opportunity, I am grateful that I do see it as an opportunity and not a must do or requirement. I am grateful for books and chat groups that help bring me closer to him, to other members, to gospel principles, to change, and to revelation.

I am grateful for opportunities to provide service for others, whether its a couple of bucks so that someone can get gas, or a hug, or laughter. I love to give others laughter. I just love to be able to serve other people and dive deep into their humanity and therefore, my own. And I am grateful for those who serve me. Thanks for my awesome home teacher and friend who gave me a blessing last month even though I live so far away. And my awesome visiting teacher who tries to keep up with me even when I am so busy I am running around in circles. She is one of the most amazing people I have ever met. I am very blessed to know some very good people from church and from my community. We may not agree on everything, but for the most part.... we all agree on love and I can't ask for more than that!

I am grateful for my son's service dog. He always sees me and just seems so amazingly happy. He grunts with pleasure and rubs up against me until he is exhausted. If I get behind on walks, he comes back to find me and to motivate me to join the group again even if I have to push myself harder. He wags every time he sees me and will happily climb up and join me on my lap- a tough feat for a huge labrador retriever.... he does it though.

I am extremely grateful for the relationship that I have with my ex. So many people see us chatting and working together with Brock and just seems astonished. I get at least one comment from somebody a month about how they simply couldn't do it- they just couldn't be nice to someone who has hurt them so badly. It's funny but I do not see my relationship with him as that remarkable. We were always such strong friends.... I can't imagine living with just anger directed at someone I need to work with on a daily basis. I think that would kill us all. So instead, we are building a different cell... where Bug is still the nucleus and we work together to create peace and beauty in both of our lives. That both of us could come to this place is a blessing that I do not take for granted.

I am grateful for music. I have so much music that I can surround myself with to bring myself joy or to help sort difficult emotions that I am trying to deal with. I love being able to walk on the tread mill and sing to the music that I am listening to ... to be able to dance to music even though I am a terrible dancer. I enjoy making breakthroughs in both thought and writing through poetry and music. I do not want to imagine life without it. Currently Rob Thomas/ Matchbox 20 and Barenaked Ladies seem to be what keeps pulling me in. I can really accomplish things when I'm listening to them.

I am grateful for food and clean water. So many people are not blessed to have that and to have them pretty accessible to me is a great blessing indeed.

I love my Fitbit. Even when I am struggling, it helps to motivate me to keep moving and to move more. To keep moving, even when I am tired or depressed. Even when I feel lazy. heck, just the idea of it keeps me moving even when I forget to wear it or it dies because I didn't charge it. A good placebo. :)

I love my bed. It was given to me a few months ago and I have been stunned about how well i love it. I have always been a futon girl and couldn't imagine anything better. But the bed I have now with memory foam and other stuff is simply amazing. I tend to sleep quite well as long as my head lets me. And since its a king size there is plenty of room for the cats to share with me. Heck, I can sit and watch a movie with two other people on my bed and three cats and we all have room. It's pretty awesome.

I have warmth, fun and snuggly blankets and decent clothing. I tend to wear out my clothing faster than I should so I am always on the hunt for more- threw out six socks,some garments, 1 pair of PJ pants this week alone due to tears, huge holes, etc... I am really hard on socks... but I think they are my favorite form of clothing.... so I have on a new pair tonight and my feet are definitely ready for bed.

I love books and I have no shortage of them. I have spiritual and religious books, history, self help, children's, literature, mystery, novels, comic books... some of everything. I love reading and can't imagine life without books either. I have a book with me everywhere I go... even if I know that the chances of having time to read are slim. I just feel like my bag is empty until I have a book in it. What a blessing to live in a country where I can get books everywhere. I probably spent too much on books, but I figure there are worse hobbies. ;)

There is so much more, but I am headed to bed. I am grateful to be home early so that I can go to sleep and prepare for the morning... for work and friends and food and love. What are you grateful for? What means the most to you tonight as it gets cold and the sky turns dark...?

"Love At Home"- A Song in Pictures :)

Today is sunny and, while not warm, it is so beautiful. The cats are looking longingly out the windows and sleeping in the beams of sun that are streaming through the windows. So for fun, and because so many of my posts have been so serious lately- analysis and school work and I thought some of my readers might like something a bit more restful on this Sabbath day, here are the lyrics to 'Love at Home'... as symbolized by my pets. :)

There is beauty all around,
When there’s love at home;
There is joy in every sound,
When there’s love at home.
Peace and plenty here abide,
Smiling fair on every side;
Time doth softly, sweetly glide,
When there’s love at home.

Refrain
Love at home, love at home;
Time doth softly, sweetly glide,
When there’s love at home.

Kindly heaven smiles above,
When there’s love at home;
All the earth is fill’d with love,
When there’s love at home.
Sweeter sings the brooklet by,
Brighter beams the azure sky;
O, there’s One who smiles on high
When there’s love at home.

Jesus, make me wholly Thine,
Then there’s love at home;
May Thy sacrifice be mine,
Then there’s love at home.
Safely from all harm I’ll rest,
With no sinful care distress’d,
Thro’ Thy tender mercy blessed,
When there’s love at home.

A Snuggly Friend...

Someone is too cute.....

Holiday Letter 2015

For those who didn't get a copy of the Christmas newsletter this year, here it is in all its fun. Send me your address if you want one this next holiday. :)

This year has been a year of much joy. I have so much to be grateful for. During this year, I have gained a good job and found a wonderful place to rent and to stay and plant myself for the next few years. I have developed some new friendships and maintained and strengthened others. I became a nationally certified medical assistant this year and I am within a few semesters of graduating with my bachelor’s degree. My health is improving over time and except for overworking, I feel like I am doing so well. If there is one thing I have discovered this year, it is a tentative stability that I am hopeful to carry into the New Year and I will fight like mad to keep it.

Brock is doing very well. He is healthy and seems genuinely happy with life. His joy in books, love of animals and enthusiasm for food is a wonder to behold. He has fallen into responsibility and adoration of three accidentally homed ferrets and his heart is full of them and the joy of life. Spending time with him fills my mind and heart with a beauty and love I have rarely felt in my life.












I end this year feeling peace and joy and I hope for the same for all of you. Thank you – each of you – for being a part of my life… for being the wonderful people you are… for living as you do. Merry Christmas and a Wonderful New Year to you all. May we all be blessed this next year and bless those around us with our service and love.

A Nativity Metaphor

One of the things that I love about Christmas time is the varied opportunities to set up nativity scenes with my Bug. He has loved them since he was less than a year old and with fascination would reach towards the animals until one was handed to him. At this point in my life I have three incomplete sets of nativity pieces that with much laughter and smiles are carefully set up next to each other. Every year, the different pieces end up moving around the room as Joseph may be dragged off by a cat or Bug's service dog may casually pick one up when we are not looking and chew it to bits... or they even move when we use the pieces to recreate stories. These stories can be the birth of Christ as told in the Gospel of Luke or can become as varied as the barn scene in "The Last Battle" by C.S. Lewis. Sometimes, we just play farm and feed and tend to the animals that come with these nativity sets- always cows and sheep, but sometimes donkeys, horses, and even camels. Over the years I have worked pretty hard to make sure that my son understands that the nativity story with the animals is a tradition and is fun, but is very much not what the scriptures describe the events of the birth of Christ to be. The nativity tradition, while beautiful and fun, is not scriptural and in some ways seems to take away from the importance and the struggle of the event itself that we Christians celebrate - the birth of our Savior.

This year after Thanksgiving, I happily brought out the nativity sets for setting up. As usual, Bug and I sat down and placed them in the places we wanted. We added real hay and shavings to one of the stables and it always feels wonderful to sit back and look at the different groups. The sets are quite easy to tell apart as one is a Fisher Price plastic set, a hand carved wood set and a paper mache set that was hand painted for me by the young women of my branch a few years ago. I noticed this year that as the pieces began to be moved and scattered around the house, my son clearly had a very different image in his mind as he put them back and by the time that Christmas Day arrived, I had a very different nativity scene to view. So at a terribly early hour of the morning, while everyone else opened presents, I found my eyes and my thoughts drawn back towards the nativity scene in front of me. What I saw was three small smiling babies in the center of a large group which was then surrounded by animals and then the people. In some ways it looked a bit like how I feel about the sun.... the edges are easily seen but looking at the center is too bright, too hard.... too much. After the required present opening and fun, I chatted with Bug about the nativity and some of the same things that I saw as I looked down were emotions and ideas that he had been trying in a small way to suggest. Here are our thoughts:

1. How people picture the Savior can vary greatly on their perspective. His race, skin color, culture, facial expressions, etc... are things that are developed created by each of us and our religious culture. While every single person may see the Savior, his life, and his commandments differently, for those who celebrate his birth and life, we tend to see him as the center of our heart- the nucleus of our living soul. This is where Jesus Christ should be - in our minds and hearts, our thoughts and hopes. In essence, he should be our center and our life should revolve around him and our relationship with him.

2. The animals were set around him as a protection. Animals are pure and live the lives that they have been set to lead on this earth. They are here to live, to teach us, to sometimes feed us and to help us to recognize the divine all around us. As such, most animals will likely recognize the Christ in the flesh before we human beings shall and as each creature recognizes its spiritual heart, they will surround him in joy and protect him from harm.

3. People are on the outside of the circle as we are frail, easily distracted and of skewed perspectives. When we look at pictures of Christ with his mother and images that celebrate his birth, for many the joy is in the rest of the image behind the holy child... the cow in the next stall, the sheep standing next to a shepherd, the donkey tied up nearby. When we perform the nativity story in plays, each of the actors in the nativity are likely to play their character to the hilt and in most traditional nativities, they are more animals than people. So the majority of the action comes from the animals as well as the majority of the space taken up. As I discovered to my cost last year, telling a friend that having animals in a Nativity scene isn't scriptural can seriously get you gossiped and talked about even when the comment was mentioned in a closed door, private meeting. I was really surprised at how offended someone could get over the idea that Christ wasn't surrounded from his first earthly breath with joyous, happy livestock crowding in toward the manger for a better look. As Bug told me, "We see what we want to see, animals see what is there."

I look back a week later on this experience and find myself pretty pleased and tearful. I am grateful for an amazing and thoughtful child who is kind and empathetic and good-hearted. I am grateful that even with some of his learning challenges, Bug is aware of how to live a good life and is able to understand many human frailties and stumbling blocks. He also seems to understand where the Savior should be in our lives... in our hearts, the focus.... the center of our being. This is a Christmas gift I will never forget and always be grateful for. Tomorrow, my son will be 14 years old. I look forward to celebrating his birthday with him and eating cake. I am thankful for the gifts he has given me... especially these thoughts. Love you Bug. :)

A Peaceful Evening

Bear is so snuggly tonight... I love lap kitties!