Showing posts with label control. Show all posts
Showing posts with label control. Show all posts

2017/02/15

Notice


I gave notice at work today. It felt very brave as I do not have another sure fire job lined up and in some ways quiting can be seen as a pretty stupid move without something else in the bag. I must confess the feeling of relief and peace I feel is pretty overwhelming. It's a mark of how bad things are when you tell your boss that you are leaving and his first words are "You can't do that - we love you! What did we do to you..." That is such an interesting way of responding- control, need, and then acknowledgment that the environment is so poor I must be leaving due to poor treatment. And he's not wrong... I am. It took a few hours to really sink in for him and at one point he asked if I was really serious I must be kidding (I'm not). In the end, I tentatively agreed to stay per diem for a few weeks and see how that goes, but I think my heart is already gone. I love Lily and Sara and Toni and Jane- I have some amazing co-workers- but the damaging culture is just too much. The peace I feel with making the decision even though this decision will create more trials for me is profound. I am so grateful for the ability and opportunity to kneel in prayer and discuss my concerns and to feel heard most of the time... even when I do not like the answers. I am not totally sure how I am going to move forward right now... or at least I haven't pinpointed a firm direction and focus. But I am content with my current choice so let's see where it leads me... and celebrate with french fries (doesn't everyone? :D )

On a silly note, I enjoyed my Valentine's day with my kitties very much and there was much love all around. There is much to be thankful for.

2014/04/05

Manic...

I fond myself really struggling to sit in Sacrament meeting a few weeks ago and I tried to write down my thoughts in an attempt to acknowledge and understand them. I do not think I did find understanding after all, but I did manage to get through the meeting and as I read over my thoughts and words, I do have much to think about. I figured that I would share. Do any of my friends feel like this sometimes?

I think that I am a little manic today. Not really sure and until I understand myself better and my emotions/energy I probably will not be able to. I am not even convinced that I have used the word 'manic' correctly- I have no diagnosis or firm knowledge base in which I use it. It was the phrase that leaps to my mind as I sit in the pew trying to analyze this feeling in my body that is almost overwhelming and feels pretty urgent. I am sitting, but I feel my limbs twitch slightly... hopeful for movement. Even my foot, my injured foot wearing a ridiculous ugly boot- is trying to move, subtly flexing. If I am honest, I feel like jumping up from my pew and going home- not due to church, my testimony or even feelings of disobedience- but to cook and then to run. The urge to take off the boot, leap onto the treadmill and to run.... just run, listening to Rob Thomas's voice filling the air and just pushing my body until it can do no more. However, now is not the time... It is the time for Sacrament meeting... so I sit.

Interestingly, my mind is slower. Thoughts are not screaming and racing through it. It's almost like my brain feels the exuberance in the rest of my vessel and feels too tired to even contemplate using more energy on thought. The only thing I know is that I feel terribly exhausted and at the same time, terribly energized and like a rabbit feeling the watchful eyes of the hawk... ready to run, but not sure if it should nor where it would go. So I am still sitting and I find myself twitching and breathing quickly.... and trying to focus on not moving. (What kind of an example would I be for any of the adorable kids that I teach if I jump up and make a fuss in the meeting? What kind of example would I be to myself actually :) And so I am scribbling... trying to understand these strange feelings coursing through my muscles while my brain is trying to listen to the speakers themselves. And, funnily enough, the more I sit and write, the more I feel like I can actually hear what is being said... the more I can endure

And so the meeting ends... and I have many pages of doodles and this page of words. I made it! My feelings haven't changed, but I have made it. I managed to stay sitting and look attentive even as my body yearned for freedom. And now it can have it! Off to the nursery I go to jump and sing and play.... Hooray! :)

2013/11/04

Fear and Loathing… for “Four Friends”


So after missing a week of class, I arrived last week feeling shaky and tired but, with a drink and tissues in hand and a computer, pen and paper in front of me, I settled down ready for another provocative evening of film and thought. I cannot say that isn't what I got.... ;)

I cannot say that I liked the film “Four Friends” and I dearly wish that I could. At least I wish I could say something definitive about it.... whether I hated it or loved it or something. Instead I feel this mass of emotions that hours later I cannot seem to dispel. I feel twisted up and almost suffocated by the waves of them that flow over my thoughts and are buffeted by the winds of memory, hopes, dreams, and regret. Hours after I arrived home I found myself awake, restless and sweating... feeling the darkness close in as my eyes stared into the nothingness. Every attempt that I made to clear my mind was insufficient and only seemed to throw the distractions into sharper relief... causing even more agitation and restlessness in my heart. So, here I am, trying to empty the swirl of thought vomit in my brain onto the page in the hopes of some relief, some small amount of weariness to be allowed to enter my brain and slow it down enough for the oblivion of sleep to take over and allow the darkness to pull me into the deep. I was vaguely horrified by my reaction and to stay sitting and not to leave... to not walk out of the film and to go home... well, that was a serious amount of work. I am still not sure how I accomplished it.

Within the first few seconds of watching Georgia almost literally waltzed onto the screen, I felt feelings of deep loathing and disgust. She appeared to be a character/ person with traits that I dislike intensely. I felt she had self-confidence bordered on arrogance and an immaturity that frustrated me. I saw her as vain, overly flirtatious, manipulative and even a little benign. And as I watched I was torn between my feelings of dislike and a growing amount of dismay as I started to realize that I didn't like her not only for the 'legitimate' reasons, but I think I also didn't like her because I saw some 'parts' of her that I felt were mirror images of some of the things that I hate in myself. And so, as I sat there loathing her, I realized how much I really loath myself. How I want to be pretty and I'm not. How I want to be liked and to be wanted by the people that really matter to me... and I am not. And how I would love to be able to enjoy things more... and I can't. And I could see her confusion and her hopes and her dreams written all over every aspect of her being... and I could feel my confusion in my youth. I could feel the dreams that I had to be loved and to have a wonderful normal family and to be me... to be cared for as myself even though I am eccentric and I have too much energy and I speak without thinking and I also think a bit too much of myself. I worry about whether I am accomplishing enough and what other people think and all sorts of stuff! So watching Georgia and her behavior was a bit like watching a distorted image of myself and things I wished I was brave to do or feel comfortable doing... and feeling jealous. And feeling angry because I want so much and I can't have it whether I'm good or bad or anything. It's like nothing I do that's right and nice gives me anything positive at all... except the comfort I feel from doing it. And then I feel scared because I think that I am running from life too and I'm not sure that I feel like I want to find it but I don’t want to feel like I've wasted it either. In essence, Georgia is a spitfire... and I am conflicted about them.

Danilo was a very interesting mix of a person and I found myself drawn to him even as I was repulsed by Georgia. I thought I could feel his fear of her and any relationship with her but also his extreme hope and love towards the America that he saw and wanted to exist. He wants a better life than his father has and is frustrated that his father seems so unhappy and doesn't want to better things. As he says, “There is college...” and his father states, “Not for you. In America we work.” His father also says “I'm tired and I have to go to work – that is America.” I heard that line and I can't even express how often I have felt that way. I think I have just thought the ending slightly differently... In my mind, I think “I'm tired and I have to go to work – what else can I do. I'm an adult and I must eat or die.” This is a very different viewpoint than the romantic and fairly extreme viewpoint that Danilo carries in his heart. Danilo is also a bit too honest and speaks his mind and his heart to his detriment. His mouth is both a blessing and a curse as it brings him happiness and a lot of pain. His every word holds so much meaning – when he looked at his father and said ' Dada” … you could hear the hope and joy and 'feel' what that meant to him. That one word became a complex tapestry of images and emotion as we look at his young face.

His friend David was an interesting mix as well. He is overweight and seems to understand life a little more - “between chromosomes and tradition, what else can I do.” He is easy... easy going, easy to lead, easy to love, easy to leave.... easy to forget. And he seems to know this about himself. So he is quick to laugh and think good thoughts of others and worry... sometimes too much... most of the time not much. And Tom.... well, I didn't feel anything much about him at all. I do not feel like until the end of the film he fleshed out much as a character at all. He didn't seem like anything more than a colored shell until he came back from fighting in Vietnam. The funny thing is that I do not feel like he changed that much... but he did in the sense that he seemed more grounded and his character felt more real. I am not sure that I ever really liked him... but I didn't dislike him either. He just seemed like a decent boring guy by the end... isn't that how most of us turn out as adults. :)

And so the movie finally ended. I could still hear the scream of the saddened and distraught mother... who is no longer a mother... and the wife... who is no longer a wife... just a woman. “I don't really know what to do with that word.” Sadly, I am almost in the same situation and I do not know what to do either. I can still feel her loss and her grief and confusion and I can claim those emotions as my own. I hope that someday I will not understand her grief as well as I do now. And I hope I am not offensive if I admit that I never, ever want to watch this movie again. I want to let the images and emotions fade so that I can continue to heal from my past. I want to forget.

2011/09/05

My First Two Earliest Memories - Description and Analysis

This post is quite bold and doesn't paint me in a very good light. I decided to post it here for the few people that read my blog by simply coming to it. I think that the thoughts and analysis are painful but important and I think that hiding them is not useful to my growth as a person. So, here it is and I hope that you will not think too poorly of me from the knowledge....

I do not have a lot of early memories and the few that I have are really not positive ones- I wonder how many other people feel that way? I think that the few that I have do mark key turning points because they are the few that I remember and I seem to remember them and the emotions surrounding them so clearly even today. The very first memory that I have was playing on a beach with a new beach set – a pail, rake, etc… I remember feeling free and busy and finding my first hermit crab. I remember the smell and the delight of this really neat animal and my glee and almost greed to collect as many as my pail could fill to give to my mother. I remember the excitement and the intense focus I gave to my work- to find as many as I could to give to her and they needed to be big and have neat shells and I might have even felt a little bit of greed- I am not sure on that. But I remember filling the pail- it was brimming with this crabs that of course all wanted to get out and I had caught them all without being pinched or harmed and I brought them to my mother… who was revolted and angry and yelled about my foolishness and ordered me to go put them back one by one. I remember the shame and my hurt and when I tried to dump the pail, my mother again emphasized that I needed to individually pick each one up and put it back nicely. And I remember crying and putting my hand into the bucket and finding it impossible either through my tears or impossible in general to pick up a crab without getting pinched. I remember completing the job in silence by simply lowering a finger into the bucket and simply allowing a crab to latch onto my finger and I would bring it up and pry it off onto the sand. I would change fingers as they really started to hurt and even bleed, but I remember my sorrow, my fear, and my rejection… and a little bit of anger and a feeling I recognize now as a feeling of being alone and having no one who actually cared – not sure what word describes that. I can look back on that experience and see that experience as one that I would only repeat again when I was thirteen years old. (I saved my allowance for six months and purchased a ton of different gifts for my parents for their wedding anniversary- My mother hated every single one and pointed out why it was worthless, useless or simple stupid/bizarre. At least with my parents I have not repeated this experience.)

My next earliest memory is slightly fuzzy at the beginning as I think the beginning of the situation must have really been experiences over a longer period of time. I remember standing next to the blue car that my parents drove for years (a blue Chevy Malibu I think) and looking at my cousin in front of me and feeling angry and jealousy so strongly towards her and her smile which wasn’t very nice. I remember her opening the car door and getting a book out of the back that was mine and having her look at me and say that if she wanted it, all she would have to do was ask my mother for it and it would be given to her and I just felt so much anger and hatred and jealousy I think– I don’t know really what I was thinking, but I pushed the car door with all the force that I could muster and slammed the door on her hand. I remember standing there feeling a slight bit of satisfaction as all the adults cooed over her and my mother told me how awful I was and she gave away my book. I look back at that memory over the years and I do feel a little bit ashamed, but I recognize that I think I also knew that I was going to lose a prized possession, so I think I thought I might as well get something for it. Unfortunately that is a lesson that I am trying to unlearn even today. :(

These are my two earliest memories and I am able to see a few turning points in them when I look. The first memory was from when I was around three years old and I think I learned to ‘grasp.’ (When that word came to mind I had an image of Gollum from Lord of the Rings in my head, but as much as that image is horrible, I think in some ways it is an accurate one.) Instead of learning impermanence and that things in life are not guaranteed, I learned that maybe I could hold onto things I cherished harder and to hold anger and frustration when they were unfairly taken away. I learned to only hold a few things cherished, but those things are sacred and the angry and frustrated that I would feel up to a few years ago at their loss was pretty terrible to behold I think. (I have really been trying over the last decade to deal with an anger problem that while not violent didn’t seem to be entirely under my control. I think I have gotten a lot better, but I am not sure if I really have or if I simply believe myself to be better.) The other experience was when I was around five years old or maybe six and I think what I learned was that I couldn’t control anything so I tried to find ways to create control out of fear and also create good reasons for my loss – if I was going to lose something, then I wanted something in return. The idea of striking back is still one that I am struggling with. I think that I have beaten it, but some people who are close to me say that I have not and my husband has told me that he would never have married me if he had known how vindictive I was and still am. The thought that I harm other people still causes me a lot of pain and has caused me to withdraw from almost everyone in my life and I don’t see that changing any time soon – I feel too much fear.

I think that is the story of my life... I feel too much fear. And I think this may have been too honest. I feel like I have picked up a big rock to see the disgusting slime and life underneath and it isn't very nice.

2011/04/27

The Reforms and Legacy of Peter the Great

Peter Alekseevich Romanov was born in June 1672 and died at the age of 53 in his beloved town of St Petersburg. Though his life was relatively short, the works of his mind, ambition and will have affected the country of Russia to its present course. Peter the Great pushed his constituents through new laws, reforms and his attempts to bring modernity to his country. This paper will discuss the reforms that were enacted during the rule of this tzar and their lasting legacies.

One of the major reforms that Peter I started with was the military. Before his time, Russia may have depended on its waterways for trade, travel and other pursuits, but the protection of those waterways could depend on a haphazard set of circumstances. In good times, these waterways and the lands of Russia itself were mostly protected by the local towns and villages themselves- the groups could have little to no knowledge of military techniques or leadership. The 'official' armies of Russia- the Streltsy or the Cossacks as examples - could be seen as professional units, but even these units were run at times by foreigners and not by native Russians. The Russian country had nothing that could be described as a navy in actual terms before Peter I. One of the major changes during this time was the creation and development of a navy. He borrowed ideas and training from other countries and created a strong Russian Navy that was officially founded on September 12, 1698. During his youth, Peter the Great had learned a lot about building ships - he had even built a few of his own- and he used this knowledge to increase security around Russian waterways, but to also conquer and claim new waterways as well. The Russian navy became a force that other monarchs would have to reckon with.

The military itself was also modernized and streamlined. The tzar recognized that he could not keep his country safe-nor conquer more lands- without a reliable and well disciplined army. One change he made was to open military academies for the teaching and training of military skills to a larger group of people. The military also became a permanent institution in the sense that it was no longer haphazard or ill-equipped. The military became a standing presence with some constituents required to serve for twenty-five years and quotas for conscripts... as well as lifelong draftees. After this was accomplished, the Czar did away or eliminated the Streltsy -with some difficulty but it was done. One change which Peter I made was to stress that the military's purpose and interests should be the interests of the state- not their own desire or even the desires of the Tsar himself. He made sure that the military was better equipped and trained in some of the styles of western military/armies and ready to face the challenges of empire building that he (Peter I) wanted. Out of all of his goals for modernizing Russia, it is thought that this one was the most important to the tsar.

The Orthodox religion didn't escape the notice of the Tsar and it underwent many changes during his reign. Previously, the Russian rulers had exerted some influence on the church but had left it mostly free of interference in its day to day operations and organization. The church was reorganized so that the powers of church leadership fell into the hands of the Czar... and not church leaders. One way this was accomplished was the creation of the Holy Synod in 1721 which replaced the power of the Patriarch of Moscow with a group of individuals mostly loyal to the tzar and not to the church. The creation of the 'Chief Procurator', a secular representative of the government who works within the church, also put the church leaders under the close supervision of the government. His government also passed a decree in 1722 that required priests of the church to disregard confidentiality in the confessional for certain matters or concerns that were governmental in nature. Tsar Peter was generally considered a 'secular' tsar and he was also known for his religious tolerance, passing laws allowing for inter-religious marriage, etc... The tsar also attempted to modernize the clergy which would result in the reduction of monks and nuns in great numbers as well as the reduction of church owned/ controlled land. Lastly, Peter issued the Spiritual Regulations that served as the bylaws for all religious activities in Russia.

There were also a few ways that Peter I attempted (and succeeded) in reforming the government. The Tsar abandoned the practice of gathering the zemsky sobor to discuss matters of special importance and he also moved the Russian 'capital' to his new city of St. Petersburg. He eliminated the Duma and replaced it with a group of individuals that acted more like a Western Senate than the former institution. And after signing a treaty in 1721 with Sweden, the Tsar was offered the title of Emperor and Russia was then known as an empire. Some reforms that were performed improved the management of government finances and control of public money. The tsar's love of education goes hand in hand with his governmental reforms as he attempted to create a meritocracy (and not an aristocracy) and to push western education onto the nobles and other constituents by importing books as well as starting institutions of learning. Tsar Peter's attempt to change the class structure by given regards for merit and service and not just for birthright did make it possible for a slight blending of some of the classes. His reforms also helped local governments to more efficiently keep order and collect taxes. Other reforms included cultural reforms that were brought about as the Czar attempted to push his people into adopting more western modes or dress, no beards (or you paid a tax), and more emphasis on conformity and obedience to the ruling power. He changed the calender in Russian to the Julian calendar in doing so changed the way most of Russia kept track of their days and holidays.

My inclination is to see Tsar Peter as a great reformer. He certainly made many large and lasting changes to many aspects to the lives of the Russian people. His changes in the military certainly made the country safer from potential foreign invaders. Collecting and developing new taxes gave the czar the money to enact not only other reforms, but to build the city of St Petersburg as well. Having any ability to blur the lines of class certainly takes work in my opinion, and making Russia into the vast and strong empire it became and survived as for so long also took quite a bit of energy, focus, ambition and endurance. However, it seems like many things didn't change all that much as there was still one man firmly in control of the country- a man who spend a great deal of time putting even more of the country and people under his control that any other ruler before him. Because he didn't share the power and in fact consolidated it even more, that must have created inefficiency, creative inhibition and problems with even making sure that the tsar's orders were being carried out correctly. I imagine that many individuals were not likely to offer suggestions or their own ideas and were likely to maybe even avoid tasks at all for their own protection... so I am quite torn by this man. I see him as doing many great and wonderful things, but I also see the side of him whose ambition and need for control caused a great deal of hardship, fear and death for many of the people he felt he was fighting so hard to elevate and improve life for. While I still see him as a great leader and I still feel that the name 'Peter the Great' can still be considered appropriate, I can also see him and his actions through the lens of knowledge that will show not only his successes, but his quirks, his difficulties and his failures. However, as this tsar was unwilling to be bogged down and focused on his failures during his lifetime, maybe we too should see and remember them, but not focus too heavily on them. His legacy was a strong country, a larger country and empire than when he was first given the crown and a country that was trading and successfully participating in European affairs and concerns. He transformed commerce and industry, the church and its activities and quite simply, changed the way that most Russians lived and how the country was viewed by the outside world. His legacy can be seen today in the culture of Russia, the buildings of his beloved St Petersburg and in almost any corner of government and culture in Russia. Whether you appreciate his reforms or not, no one can dispute that his changes and attempts to modify and modernize Russia on such a grand scale can still be felt today.... in the simple act of looking at a calendar... in worship... in the splendor of the great city that bears his name.

2011/02/20

2011 Poetry Corner #1: The Storm

The water glides rippling past my toes
As the wind rages, the ripples become chops
Almost violent and angry

And while the world sways and rages around me
I sit- a silent spectator …
Waiting for the wave that will come
And rejoicing in the storm that is outside me
… and not inside.

2011/02/07

The Late Kievan Era: Vsevolod III and the Early Development of Ukraine


During the reign of Vladimir I, the country-state of Kievan Rus was brought into stability, Christianity, as well as economic security. After his son's were placed in positions of power in cities around the state with ready militias and some autonomy, it looked as though Kievan Rus was ready for a golden age of peace and prosperity. This was not to be and right before his death in 1015 AD, Vladimir's many sons began to fight for more control, larger land areas and supreme power over all as well as wealth. This bloody infighting continued with little respite as different princes began to exert more control over their lands and fight off invaders- whether 'relative' or foe. For almost one hundred years, brothers killed brothers and other relatives with a few brief periods of stability between periods of strife and civil war. The next ruler of note was Vladimir Monomakh in 1113 AD. However, by 1132 Ad, Kievan Rus was beginning to seriously divide and fragment due to internal tensions between the differing princes and the city of Kiev could no longer be counted on to produce an occasional strong and unifying ruler. Other economies and other political centers began to assume more importance during this time including the cities Vladimir-Suzdal (in Suzdalia), Galicia-Volhynia, and Novgorod... and another hundred years of various times of vague calm and civil war were to commence. During this time, a large period of relative calm and economic success was brought about by the rule of Vsevolod III. He lived from 1154-1212 and was known as the 'Grand Prince' as well as by the name Vsevolod the 'Big Nest'- due to his fourteen children. In this paper, I will discuss the life and successes of Vsevolod III, some of the reasons for his success, and the populating of the lands we now call Ukraine- or “the breadbasket of Europe”.

Vsevolod was one of the children of Yuri Dolgorukivi who is known as the founder of the city named Moscow around the year 1156.(Yuri I) It is not known exactly who is his mother was (he was the 10th/11th of fifteen known children, but historical speculation suggests his mother was Helene Komnene, a Greek princess who took Vsevolod with her to Constantinople after his father's death. It was in Constantinople at the Komnenoi court that he spent his childhood, returning to Kievan Rus in 1170 and possibly visited Tbilisi where he might have met his future wife. Before 1186 Vsevolod married his first wife, Mary Shvarnovna of Ossetia- she bore him 14 known children and died in 1206. Mary devoted her life to works of 'piety' (and clearly having children!) and was later glorified as a saint in the church. In either 1207 or 1209, Vsevolod married Liubov Vasilkovna, the daughter of Vasilko Bryacheslavich who was Prince of Vitebsk- they had no children that are known.

During the early parts of his reign, Vsevolod participated in many military struggles and was not known for being merciful. He increased his holdings by strengthening the defenses on the middle Volga, building outposts along the northern Dvina, seizing towns from Novgorod, and appropriating its lands along the Upper Volga. He had limited success, however, in bringing Novgorod itself under his control. He put people in charge of areas who would do his will and was not accepting or tolerant of disobedience. He was known as a great military commander and in “The Tale of Igor's Campaign” it is written - “Great prince Vsevolod! Don't you think of flying here from afar to safeguard the paternal golden throne of Kiev? For you can with your oars scatter in drops the Volga, and with your helmets scoop dry the Don.” For the church, he was much more generous and in his capital city of Vladimir he had built the Cathedral of St Demetrius in 1197. When the Assumption Cathedral was destroyed by a large fire in 1185, he had it rebuilt under his direction. And around the year 1200, his wife Mary founded the Princess Convent presumably with his blessing.

During his life time, he was acknowledged as the dynasty's senior prince, but Vsevolod focused his attention on his lands and of the neighboring principalities of Rianzan and Murom. His sons, following their father's example, devoted themselves to their northern concerns and withdrew from 'southern' politics. Vsevolod III ruled for 36 six years until his death on April 14, 1212 of natural causes at the age of 58 (a rare way to die for a military man!)

So by 1200, the northeastern area of Kievan Rus known as Suzdalia had become quite important... and its ruler Vsevolod III had dominated the other princes in the south for the over quarter century that he had been in power. There are a few clear reasons that Vsevolod III was able to be so successful in his quest for power and wealth. One important reason was his luck of geography- Suzdalia had many rivers including control of most of the upper Volga river. Some of these rivers flowed in and out of neighboring territories which gave Suzdalia an opportunity to act as a middleman between other states that their ruler did not hesitate to take advantage of. In addition, the soil of the area was rich and fertile. Agriculture was easier to develop in this area than in other parts of the Kievan Rus state. When you also add the fact that Suzdalia had fewer problems with foreign enemies than some of its southern counterparts- and by the 12th century, its primary enemy the Volga Bulgars were on the defensive and less likely to attack.... it is not surprising that many new cities sprang up in this state. All of these factors would have made migration to this area quite attractive to many people which can also help explain how the population grew so quickly around this time. Most of the migration appears to be Slavic populations moving to the safer areas to avoid the constant incursions by nomadic tribes that continued in the south. It should also be mentioned that because the Suzdalia area was an area of high migration, it gave the princes more power than the rulers of the older, more entrenched areas. Trade would have been a good reliable source of income during this time with fewer enemies, lots of 'controlled' rivers and waterways, more individuals to make or grow goods, and the possibility of acting as a middleman on some rivers to neighboring states. An 18th century Russian historian named V.N. Tatishchev states “the Volga Bulgars were constantly trading in Suzdalia where they sold grain, valuable objects, cloth and other goods around the Volga and Oka.” Other sources suggest that trade was a very common occurrence during this time before the Mongol invasion.

The territory that we now call Ukraine still has almost all of the same geological benefits that were exploited during the time of Vsevolod. The soil is still rich and will produce large high-quality yields. It had heavy forests in the twelfth century which would have been used for housing, heat, and trade. It had plenty of rivers for drinking water, agriculture and animal husbandry, travel, etc... Animals for fur and/or food would have been fairly easy to find as well. Add the idea that this area would be mostly safe from invaders and it would be hard to imagine why everyone in the area didn't move there! And several sources describe the rich and frequent trade in this area... as well as the thriving culture.

I found a few things interesting when I was researching this paper. For instance, I laughed out loud at finding a genealogy website that showed the links between George Washington and Vsevolod III... and all sorts of others! I was also amused to find that this great man has his own Facebook page- it doesn't look like it is updated frequently, but...wow! And one site helped me to place this time frame with more clarity in my mind because it linked the year of Vsevolod's death with the failure of the children's crusades- I think one of the worst parts of history that I have ever studied... or at least the worst ideas I have ever heard of. The Suzdalia state sounds like it had many places in which it would be possible to work for a living, enjoy some medium of safety and also have the opportunity for culture. This was a really fascinating research project... and so I look forward to the next one!

2010/02/15

ABA and Difficult Situations


My husband had a disturbing experience the other day. He was shopping in a big box store with Bug and they were looking at a few toys while I got my glasses fixed. While they were doing so, a young man came into the aisle with an adult female. It became clear to my husband fairly quickly that the young man had autism and the female was not his mother, but probably his 'section 24' worker. The young man than asked to buy something and was promptly told no. This prompted him to go into a huge tantrum that seemed more of a statement and attention seeking and less of out of control behavior. The worker's reaction was extraordinary. She immediately became livid- absolutely unreasonably angry and it was clear very quickly that she was so angry that the situation would possibly go out of control for both of them. She was clearly so angry that she would be unable to help in any de-escalation of the situation. What was her next step? She looked at the young man and said “ Well, you just lost three stars, young man!”

I am so confused by ABA sometimes. In this situation, the worker allowing herself to get angry and then telling the child that due to his behavior he has lost a privilege, etc.. really seems to send the wrong message. For one thing, it feels pretty hypocritical to punish someone else for not controlling their behavior while you have lost control of your emotions/behavior. It was clear to my husband that the child's response was not “oh I should stop”. It resembled more of “Well, nothing left to lose now-already lost my privileges.” My husband quickly moved my son out of the aisle and they left as the situation did continue to rapidly spiral out of control. I was once told that anyone using behaviorism has to be very, very careful because often, the lesson that they are trying to teach is not the lesson that the other individual is picking up. And ABA is so rigid and doesn't take a lot of factors into account for the individuals involved. In some ways (and this worker expressed this) it is more about expressing and exerting control over someone else.

Now, it is possible that the worker was having a bad day and this wasn't her typical behavior. It is also possible that this is the worker's typical behavior and the child was having a bad day. Of course, we could have misunderstood the whole situation. And it is possible that the parents are either OK with this behavior or have no idea that the behavior by the worker is going on. It is also possible the the parent's know, but are so desperate for the break that they are willing to accept the worker's behavior. It is also possible that the worker is not really trained at all and is just struggling to figure out what she is supposed to do. There are probably several options that I haven't even thought of yet.

But that whole situation shouldn't have happened. In the end, it wasn't fair to the child. Sure his fake tantrum was silly, but he probably just learned to keep doing the tantrum by the worker's behavior. And the worker will probably get even more angry and quit, leaving the family in a bad spot, and leaving the child with more adverse behavior that the new worker will have to deal with. The whole situation just makes me sad.

2010/02/13

2010 Poetry Corner # 3 - "A Word a Year"

I’m 35

I am…
regretted
confused
scared
fearful
bossy
controlling
insecure
ignorant
stupid
out of control
rebellious
intolerant
fighter
exuberant
ecstatic
faithful
lonely
regretful
individual
loved
stubborn
married
mother
fearful
hopeful
outspoken
frustrated
dying
empowered