Stressful Day

Today has been a super stressful day. When I got home last night, I realized that Salem was sick. I was so worried that I didn't sleep much at all. I spent the wee hours of the morning making phone calls to the emergency veterinarian and waiting to call one of my two local vets. I was lucky and managed to get Salem into a local vet to help his urination problem. Three hundred dollars later and he is home.

I also discovered early this morning that Bella managed to get out last night when I came home from work in the dark. It wasn't obvious last night to me- she is super sneaky and I had no hint she got out at all. I figures it out this morning because she wasn't trying to sneak out on me this morning. She is also a pretty vocal cat and the household was silent. It took her all day - until 5 pm to come back and the stress of wondering whether she was going to come back was pretty intense. I also felt so guilty that I hadn't noticed she had gotten out and been out all night- a really cold night to boot. I'm so glad that she is back but I will confess I am a bit frustrated that she keeps my emotions and my heart on a bouncy string that jiggles everywhere. I could use a few days where she doesn't stress me out I guess.

Last, but not least... I went to the ankle doctor today and it's official. His office is getting all the paperwork together to present to my insurance and I am getting surgery. I have no idea how I can afford not working and I'm not sure how I will keep up with everything when I will be unable to stand for a minimum of six weeks. I'm going to try and put it off until the spring so that I will not have to worry about getting around in the ice and snow, but I am not sure how long I can put it off- the doc was pretty convinced I shouldn't put it off for too long because things are just going to get worse. So we will see I guess.

Synopsis: lost a cat and then got her back, had a sick cat and spent lots of money to get it back, and agreed to get my ankle carved up and tightened up. Not the best day I have ever had.

I'm sitting trying to rest and deal with the stress of it all today and as I start to deal the anxiety of the day start to pass... I am really glad to have the evening to rest. I have volunteering tomorrow and a vague timeline to start creating lists and figuring out what I need to do for the surgery. I'm done for today though. I think I've had enough.

PTSD : The struggle between Homeostasis and Protection

Have I mentioned how much taking the class on “Genocide and Torture” this semester has really been such a blessing? I have known so little about PTSD and other symptoms and consequences of horrific human behavior and I feel like I have learned so much not only about other people, but also about how my body and my brain reacts to things which I have never understood before- at least not very well. I spent some time this week looking at how two specific systems in our body are used to help the body in times of threat and how it returns to its 'normal' state of being. And while doing these readings, it was really interesting to find out how PTSD actually changes the way that these systems function and causes some of the symptoms that cause sufferers of this disorder so many problems.

So the first group we looked at was a part of the nervous system called the sympathetic nervous system. It is actually one of the divisions in the autonomic nervous system. From my past medical days, I would remember what it used to do by reminding myself that the autonomic system controls almost all of our involuntary functions such as cardiac muscle, all smooth muscle in the body and also some of the glands. The sympathetic system is easily remembered (to me anyway) because it is the 'action committee' or it could also be seen as the person who feels sorrow for the hurts of a friend and leaps into action to try and help. “Fight or Flight” is the name of its mission statement per se and so when the body (or the mind) needs or believes it has encountered a threat to the body, the 'committee' leaps into action. Our heart rate gets faster (usually our breathing does too), our body shuts down its 'temporarily' unnecessary organs from normal blood flow to improve circulation to the heart, lungs, brain and muscles and the body also starts to release its reserves of stored energy so that the body has extra strength and zip when needed. There are two key neurotransmitters that are released into the body which help create this response; they are epinephrine and nor-epinephrine. The sympathetic nervous system plays a key role in how individuals can recognize a threat, feel fear and how each person will react and remember responses to future stimulus that I considered threatening.

Another response mechanism that the physical body has is called the Hypothalamic- Pituitary- Adrenal Axis. One of the most amazing things about our bodies is that all physical beings have a need to homeostasis- or keeping everything at a normal level. So when the body reacts to something, the body also has ways to attempt to bring the body back to its normal way of being. These hormones try to restore the body to a proper natural state after the person has experienced stress, fear, etc... So when a person has been under the influence of a 'stressor', the hypothalamus releases a hormone that goes to work on the pituitary gland to release another hormone. That hormone works of the adrenal glands to stimulate another hormone that helps to calm the body and 'turn off' the signals of the high 'stress' hormones and neuro transmitters.

In the average individual, these systems work together really well to help a person deal with a significant threat (or perceived threat) in good ways and then brings the body back to a normal level of function. In someone with PTSD, however, these systems do not always work the way that they were intended. So, the sympathetic system can be turned on over sounds or events that are not currently happening, memories etc... and the body will response as if the threat is clear and present. Other studies had shown that some people with PTSD have challenges with incorporating or being sensitive enough to the hormones that turn the stress response off. So people with these challenges are more likely to be overly stressed often and have more challenges in getting the body calmed down and focused again for their regular tasks and needs. That seems like an extra challenge to be sure!

So, take a few minutes and think.... How does your body react to stress and how well does it call down? If you have PTSD, how do you think your body reacts differently than someone else that does not? What techniques do you use to try and help your body reach a level of calm faster?

A Sabbath Experience...

Wow. I have so many adjectives to describe today in my mind, but this Sabbath cannot fairly be described as restful or a 'day of rest'. It's funny, but if you attend any church I cannot imagine that you have much rest at all. If you have children, then there is no possibility that the Sabbath is a day of rest. And for those of us with callings at church, those callings-even when enjoyable and fun- are learning experiences and as such are often work.

I will admit that Sundays for the last few years have always been a great deal of work. Taking Bug to church, getting us through the day and home along with the joys and responsibility of helping my friend Sarah Drew left me fairly wiped out. The pressure and work load was intense and after some Sundays of carrying 40+ pounds on my shoulders for two hours plus helping Sarah I will admit that I didn't really feel the spirit much at all. The struggle was just too great. And the weariness was manifested in almost everyday of my life as I would struggle and fight to stay awake any time I was at all stationary-while driving, while eating... even while driving a car.

In so many ways, Sundays have changed over the last year. I no longer have a best friend to sit with and I no longer have the struggle with Bug. I come to the building an hour before church and I open the library. I copy the programs and the inserts. I choose the items to change and put up front for checkout – the DVD's, new books, etc... I prepare the Sacrament kits and help people get what they need for their lessons. When the meeting starts, I close up and get up the courage to join into the group in the chapel... to reconcile myself to learning, to listening... to feeling alone in the crowd. If needed I also give of the time and my energy to help others with their children... to hug them, distract them, to quiet them... and to love them. That is my average typical Sunday. The work is different and is less physically exhausting than I used to do, but I would be lying if I didn't suggest that it isn't work. The secrets I bring and the burden and emotion and pain are just as much of a struggle in many ways. Heck, sometimes the weight of the pain and emotions and my silence feels somehow heavier than the weight of my son riding along on my shoulders for the hours on end as I bounced him quietly and tried to keep him silent in the past.

In some ways, this Sunday was no different. I had all of these tasks as well as my burdens, but one of my choices and circumstances today very much added to the stress of the day. One circumstance was that my phone broke and so I didn't arrive as early as I usually do... so I lost track of time and was only about 1/2 an hour early. When I arrived, I found that things were actually a bit chaotic and so I started my work by trying to hunt down the program and then racing to the supermarket to buy gluten free bread after it was discovered ten minutes before the meeting started that there was none to be found. I was back in twelve minutes (a record I think) and was only three minutes late for the start of the meeting... a stunning achievement, but I will admit not very spiritual. So it was with a relieved heart that I sat down in the foyer on the couch to catch my breath, to think and to try and bring myself back to be ready for the spirit.

However, my choice to sit in the foyer was a big mistake. While well intentioned, I discovered that I then had the difficulty of trying to listen to the talks in Sacrament with the members of one family walking back and forth every few minutes checking the foyer. It was very clear immediately that these members were no willing to enter the meeting, but were also not willing to sit in the foyer while I was sitting there... so they kept checking to see if I had left. The behavior was so obvious that another sister who came out of the meeting to sit in the foyer commented that I really need to apologize for offending these members as I surely must have done for this behavior to continue.... it was so clear to her what their purpose was. I tried to smile and just bite my tongue to continue to keep my silence. And so every time I saw one of them come to check, I would think of getting up to go into the meeting. Not because I felt comfortable or able to do so, but because I felt hounded and hunted and pressed to do so. So I tried to breath deeply and continue to sit... fighting the feelings of fear and anger welling inside and tried to listen. It was almost impossible to glean anything from the talks because it would take me a few minutes to really get myself refocused... and then they were back to see if I had gotten the 'hint' yet.... and the fragile peace in my head was shattered. It is hard to sit through this behavior and not feel like I have done something awful and deserve it... to remember that I have not only done all I can but have bent over backwards to try and make the situation manageable... to remember that in many ways I am the one who was wronged and now struggle to deal with the reality that her choices have helped create for me in my life. So I sat... and I sat... and the meeting finally ended.

I tried to deal with the library and some things there, but when I heard shouting a few minutes later in the foyer, I gave up and walked out. There I found one of the sisters yelling at the missionaries to force the child playing the organ in the chapel to stop- it was apparently inappropriate. (Frankly, yelling at the missionaries and in the church was inappropriate, but I digress. ; ) So I went into the chapel to see one of my favorite summer visitors happily playing the piano and celebrating song and church. Adam is a beautiful child with so many difficulties and disabilities and his joy was as obvious as his father's slight embarrassment. So he can't actually play music that we recognize and the composition is his own. Doesn't that make it an even greater gift to the Father? Soon he was distracted and came with me to the library for crackers and I gave him one of my very favorite books. Off to class he headed with his dad, satisfied and ready. And I picked up my stuff, left a message for the branch president, and took off hoping to steal an hour or two of silence for myself.

So many people say that I am strong- my branch president, friends, family... but I don't tend to feel that way. I feel like I am walking on a fragile cord struggling to keep my balance and hoping the cord won't break and send me crashing to the ground. Still, after all this time.... I am not sure about much, but I think I need a redefining of myself and my life. I need a new focus... a way to feel strong. But until then... I guess I keep going. :)

Systolic Fluctuation...

Well, the good news is that when I went to the doctor today my blood pressure had improved from last week's low of 82/52. We are not ready to cheer though because 90/58 isn't that much better... but at least my orthostatic hypertension is improving. And being a silly person, I must have gotten a gluten exposure sometime in the last twenty four hours because I am really feeling the effects. I can't for the life of my figure out what I ate so I am guessing that I was 'infected' working at the food pantry yesterday. So I am feeling really good about the systolic improvement, but I probably didn't help my heart much with the pain meds that I took to control the celiac pain this evening. It still sometimes surprises me how much it hurts and how easily I can be exposed to the gluten protein. It is so clear that the only way I was exposed was by working in an area with people eating gluten and microwaving it and touching me- that is such a frightening concept. I am not sure I will ever get used to it. It feels almost like I am a leper... in the sense that anyone who gets near me can hurt me without even meaning to. Celiac disease definitely doesn't improve my social life in the slightest and I find myself saying no to so much. So far this week I have declined an invitation for a baptism as well as a graduation party. It's just not work the risk.

I have managed to actually eat breakfast for six days in a row now and I am going to give it my best shot to do it tomorrow even though I am not sure I will feel up to it. I know that these occasional exposures are one of the things that keeps me from having consistent healthy eating habits... or at least consistently not eating. In some ways I wonder if I am anorexic without the psychological aspect. I am aware I am too thin, I don't like it, but I almost feel powerless some days to change it when I am facing nausea, difficulty finding food, lack of time, etc... The pain is so bad when I do get an exposure that it is so much easier to refuse food than risk the chance of exposure and since food is not easy, it just makes it harder when my life is in upheaval.

But hey, I am grateful that my blood pressure is improving! I am getting ready to have a weekend where I spend time taking care of a friend's farm which I am excited about... and try to get a ton of schoolwork done... which I am also excited about! The opportunity to play with goats, a large flock of chickens and lots of dogs sounds like quite a treat.. or at least I will do my best. I promise I will also eat a lot. So here is to a good... and hopefully... productive weekend! :)

My Nutritional Analysis: Improvements and Needs

For three days, I tried to write down everything that I consumed... from water to cereal to the stray piece of candy that I 'borrowed' from my son's Easter Basket. :) After combining the data I came up with the figures at the bottom of the post.

I will say that I found a few things about the figures a little shocking. One of which was I hadn't really realized how many meals that I have been skipping or just not eating until I was forced to look at what I was writing down. And I guess that the stress and sorrow in my life has really started to overwhelm me because I truly believe that these totals are right. I looked over the days and realized that I had been tallying things correctly and I really had eaten less than 1000 calories a day for those days. I am disappointed to say that I do not currently think that these particular days are at all abnormal for my eating habits right now. I am glad that when I am eating, I am eating good things so I am getting a bit of the stuff that my body needs, but I am clearly not getting enough. And in times of stress I should clearly be eating more... not less. (I will admit that I thought about cheating and trying to find some cans so that I could add their totals on to the correct ones and not look so bad, but I really felt like that was cheating and if I didn't want to look pathetic, I should shake out of my funk and start eating right to begin with.)

For Day One, I should have had at least 1000 more calories. I didn't have enough carbs or protein and only reached about 50% of the daily guidelines. However, that isn't too bad considering that I only ate about 50% of the calories I should have eaten. Fats were a little high (I had some salmon pate on crackers and so that brought those numbers up to the higher levels, but that is unusual enough that I am not too worried about my fat intake. For brevity’s sake, almost all of my vitamin intakes were either too low or just non existent... in fact, I either didn't consume any of the needed vitamins or minerals or I consumed less than 50% of them with one exception: sodium. In that particular mineral I was in the high range and over the daily recommended requirements of less than 2400 mg.

For Day Two, just for variety I ate even fewer calories at 710- unfortunately I must confess that all three of these recorded days were in a row and may explain why I feel tired and fairly shaky constantly. I don't tend to feel hungry however. I consumed less than fifty percent of what was recommended in calories, carbohydrates, protein and most vitamins and minerals- the two exceptions are folate and iron which I did hit 100% percent on (a bonus?). Many nutrients I didn't consume enough of to have a percentage to write down.

For Day Three, I ate a few more calories and I did eat a lot of the necessary nutrients in the one meal I consumed- 3 cups of spinach and feta salad. I still didn't eat enough calories, carbohydrates or proteins. For calories, I consumed a whopping 763! :) I was still low on several vitamins, but at least the numbers were low... and not non-existent! I only hit the appropriate RDA for folate and vitamin B12, but three vitamins I was pretty much off the charts on in the upper ranges: vitamin K with 291 micrograms, riboflavin, and to really overdose myself... over 6000 micrograms of vitamin A. Luckily, I have been so low on vitamin A that my body hopefully stored some of this for future expenditures and needs.

On these days, I got at least ½ hour of cardiovascular exercise: once was carrying food boxes quickly up and down the stairs. The other two were walking quickly to get to work. On these days I was also quite active in physical movement- I spent the mornings volunteering and the afternoons and evenings playing with my son. Then I tried to squeeze in some homework before I collapsed into bed. Hydration was adequate at between 6-7 glasses a day of water and several ounces of juice. So a few things have changed over this semester. I have been able to increase my exercise and to become more consistent with it. I have been watching what I eat a little more than I have in the past and have tried to afford a few 'fresh' things-hence the spinach salad. I have worked at trying to have more variety in my food and I have been fairly successful with that. So, while the vast majority of food that I eat is still based on beans and rice, I have been able to supplement by adding more vegetables, fruits and condiments such as salsa, sour cream and coconut milk. I think that has been very beneficial in the sense that I think I am getting more of the minerals and vitamins that I need. I think that I have learned to be more mindful of what I eat and how I eat it, even in my limited circumstances. I feel like I have had the opportunity over the last few weeks to understand how my body works and what it needs and I think that understanding has helped me to develop a better mindset about taking care of myself. It is obvious from my analysis however, that I need to do more than change my mindset however... I need to make more physical changes to use the information and resolve that I have developed over time. Habits are not something that can easily be broken with mental effort alone. You must use your mental energy to focus on working toward physical changes... and only after the physical changes have lasted more than a month can you truly be sure that you have changed your habits. Even then, you must work to keep the change as it is so much easier to fall back into bad habits then it is sometimes to keep the good habits that you have formed.

A few other habits that I am working on changing is the 'supplement are always good for you' brain-set I had when I started this class. Understanding that careful consumption will get me what my body needs and actually taking the time to really pay attention to my food I think has already started that change. It wasn't really a surprise to me that the one day that I consumed the most nutrients/vitamins/minerals, etc... was the day that I consumed fresh food and not canned. It was also the day that I added a small amount of dairy and seeds to my food. I made an appointment to speak with my doctor about whether I 'need' to take as many supplements as I am if my body is now more 'healed' and able to absorb the nutrients that I eat more fully. It was a great conversation that took over half an hour and we decided that I should stay on two of them (I probably will be on one of them for life), but we could see about removing the others after a medical procedure to see how well I have 'healed' my digestive track. I have been working on increasing fluid intake and I have for the most part seen an improvement in that as well. I think the most important thing that I have learned this semester is that eating well and taking care of yourself is truly a journey that must be taken. Consumption is almost always easy, bu whether the consumption is worthwhile takes thought, introspection and knowledge. Thank you so much for the opportunities that I have been given his semester to become more mindful, introspective, and to use the knowledge that I have gained to work towards making myself a healthier person. :)


Day 1 -
Calories: 890
total carbs: 136.5 g
dietary fiber: 21 g
sugars: 26.5 g
saturated fat: 15.5 g
poly unsaturated fat: 3 g
monounsaturated fat: 0.5 g
cholesterol: 60 mg
protein: 27.5 g
vitamin A: 380 micrograms
Vitamin B12: 1.5 micrograms
Vitamin C: 9.6 mg
Calcium: 580 mg
Iron: 7.56 mg
Potassium: 1055 mg
Sodium: 2850 mg

Day 2 -
Calories: 710
total carbs: 100 mg
dietary fiber: 7.5 g
sugars: 23 g
saturated fat: 8 g
poly unsaturated fat: 4 g
monounsaturated fat: 2 g
cholesterol: 35 mg
protein: 13.5 g
vitamin A: 710 micrograms
Vitamin B6: 1 mg
Riboflavin: 0.83 mg
Niacin: 10 mg
Thiamin: 0.75 mg
Folate: 400 mg
Vitamin B12: 6 micrograms
Vitamin C: 96 mg
Vitamin D: 180 mg
Calcium: 710 mg
Iron: 18.72 mg
Magnesium: 16 mg
Phosphorus: 60 mg
Potassium: 680 mg
Sodium: 1490 mg
Zinc: 7.5 mg

Day 3 -
Calories: 763.7
total carbs: 23.7 grams
dietary fiber: 2.83 grams
sugars: 4.1 grams
saturated fat: 10.5 grams
poly unsaturated fat: 6.93 grams
monounsaturated fat: 8.32 grams
cholesterol: 610.25 mg
omega 3: 298.4
omega 6: 6372.85
protein: 26.82 grams
vitamin A: 6001.25 iu
Riboflavin: 0.41 mg
Niacin: 1.37 mg
Thiamin: 0.1 mg
Folate: 434.2 micrograms
Vitamin B6: 0.55 mg
Vitamin B12: 0.75 mg
Vitamin C: 16.8 mg
Vitamin E: 7.6 iu
Vitamin K: 291.5 micrograms
Calcium: 323.85 mg
Iron: 6 mg
Magnesium: 303 mg
Phosphorus: 389.9 mg
Potassium: 595.7 mg
Sodium: 1200.2 mg
Zinc: 3.6 mg
Choline: 330 mg
Betane: 330.8
Selenium: 56.9 mcg
Panthothic Acid: 3.17 mg
Manganese: 0.9 mg

Brain Junk....

I feel like my brain has the tendency to scatter very easily these days like a jar of beans dropped to the floor. I have so much in my head and trying top work around it can be difficult to say the least. I find myself in the present moment remembering things that must be done as well as trying to accomplish what I am actually doing as well as trying to keep my mind open for inspiration and revelation. It sometimes feels like figuring out the way to accomplish all three of these tasks is going to literally turn my brain to mush as I feel the chaos in head doesn't make much sense. My brain flits from one thought to another -many of which do not appear to have any relation to each other- as work on the present situation becomes more difficult. I find in all this chaos, my brain conjures up phrases from songs that either bring my some comfort or pain, inspiration or confusion. And parts of my dreams are constantly coming back to haunt my daylight. It is a strange place to be in... and almost reminds me of an Ann Rand novel- which God bless me always confused me as well.

So I wake up in the morning and feel the dream start to ebb into my subconscious (at least the conversations from the dreams start to and then the different 'beans' of thought start to fall...and if I am lucky they wait until after my prayer so it is possible finish a coherent prayer.

... Father, I'm not sure I can do today and I'm not sure I want to. Help!... I really need to catch up on my paper... 'I don't always sleep at night just waiting for the light to come and find me'...I wonder how Bug is doing? I wish I didn't feel so yucky and I felt like eating.... 'Don't be afraid, oh my love... I'll be watching you from above'....Oh, crud- nutrition class is due today and I haven't started it yet. And I forgot Bug's book- need to order that...... 'Don't be sad for me- everything is how it had to be.'...Stop it. You're shaking like a leaf. That's crazy. What are you so afraid of?... That's funny that she still has the same haircut. I wonder why.... 'Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end' ...I made it. Thank God I wasn't sure I would. Why are you twisting that? They will think you are nervous. Stop it!... 'In the breath of a wind and sigh... there is no need to cry.'... Why am I so scared...it's just church.... 'Don't be afraid'... This is nice. I wonder what Brock is doing now... What does this mean?... 'You ask me for an answer and I'm so tired of up in the air up in the air'... I wish I didn't feel this guilt...and I'm not even sure what I am feeling the guilt for... 'Closing time- you don't have to go home but you can't stay here'... 'Counting up to twenty has been difficult for some, but as we learn to count to twenty, it should be easy to get to twenty one.'... Hey, I blogged about this song- it really is a nice song. I should think about looking at some more of her work... 'Sometimes I wish I had no pride; I'd go off and sell my soul'.... That's a neat scripture... maybe I should stop reading in order and just flip around for a few days. Amy picked a good one- hey, I have it marked... That's nice... 'I'm not crazy or anything'... I have so much to do when I get home... I wonder what I should do first. Peter I or nutrition?... 'Walking beside the guilty and the innocent, how will you raise your hand when they call your name'... Who should I make cards for? I don't like itchy ears... Do you want to look at these?... 'The church has need of helping hands and hearts that know and feel'... That letter was odd... I wonder what she was trying to achieve by sending it.... A few minutes and it should be done... Gosh, I am tired... 'Every second of the night I live another life' Why do I start crying over everything? It's so silly and not very attractive... The skirt is nice though... How can I laugh and cry at the same time- that is daft... 'Looking for special things inside of me'... Did I remember the stamps?... I wonder how Al is doing? Gosh it must be miserable to be sick for so long... Thank goodness I haven't been sick for a bit... I wish I didn't keep thinking that!.... 'Believe that the sun will rise tomorrow and that your saints and sinners bleed' How can I help? I wonder if she will be offended if I hug her... maybe I should just get some scissors and wack it off. That would be cheaper....
'When you smile be sure to smile wide and don't let them know that they have won'... I would love to goof with Achilles... do groomers groom cats? I should could use a nap.

And that is just a taster. If nothing else, my brain is full... and not with anything useful. And finding a way to control my worry is tough. I have started using a list to write down the things I remember that need doing and no longer do homework within one hour of bed. I try to read something simple and have gotten in the habit of falling asleep listening to Winnie the Pooh stories on my phone... which is helpful. I am looking for more techniques to try and calm the incessant chatter in my head... and hopefully I can calm this brain mess down to a dull roar soon. It would be nice to be able to think clearly again! :)

2011 Poetry Corner #1: The Storm

The water glides rippling past my toes
As the wind rages, the ripples become chops
Almost violent and angry

And while the world sways and rages around me
I sit- a silent spectator …
Waiting for the wave that will come
And rejoicing in the storm that is outside me
… and not inside.

Today...

1. I did a good deed and helped feed over 300 people.
2. I shared a hug and a birthday wish with a friend.
3. I finished some history homework and I am almost caught up from being sick.
4. I only almost cried once.
5. I shared a nice moment this evening looking at the stars with my husband... and we move forward..?
6. I made Val laugh- a herculean task!
7. I had a good dinner with a surprise dessert from my husband- g/f blueberry pie :)
8. I am warm, safe and not feeling too stressed.
9. I am truly blessed to have such good family, good friends, and the strength to deal with my challenges.
10. I know longer think of my challenges and secrets every second of the day and can find joy... at least it is becoming easier.
Today... was a great day!

The "Parent Interview" Project

For a project last semester, I interviewed some friends about their families and parenting style. I really appreciated their help and boy I learned alot! Here is the project in its entirety. :)

For the Parent Interview Project, I made a few assumptions based on what I thought you (the teacher) wanted and what I thought would help me to learn the most. One assumption that I made was that I should try and find 'different' people to interview- different in gender, backgrounds, life experience, number of kids, religion, and sexuality. Another assumption was that I should really take the time to develop three questions that I was genuinely curious in the answers, thought might be helpful for my situation at home, and would also be interesting for this paper and for reading. I have listed the questions farther down in my paper. The last assumption that I made was that as I chose so many different individuals, I would find that the families would have many differences, but also distinct similarities that could easily be 'teased' into looking at the whole group in a similar manner... that was not the case.

I sent out fourteen letters asking for responses and received five back fully filled in and ready for me to study. Out of the five, four are women and one is male. Three have been through at least one divorce and two are currently married to their first and only husband. All five individuals have children in numbers from one to eight, one adult is homosexual, two of these families have at least one child with a severe disability (autism or bi-polar disorder) and one family has an adult with PTSD. The families also live in different environments as the states that can be included are California, Nevada, Maine and Wisconsin- three families live in a semi-rural area and two live in urban areas. The religions that are involved in some of these families- whether through past involvement or current activity- are United Church of Church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (Mormon), deeply spiritual, and atheist (one member of this group is currently in college studying seminary and divinity). Also, at least three out of the five individuals appear to have grown up in dysfunctional households (one spent some time growing up in a cult, one with alcoholic parents, abuse, etc...) Lastly, one individual is currently single, three are married and one is living with her partner and her children.

When looking at the definition of family, there were many different responses, but a lot of overlapping when the answers were put side by side and compared. One individual describes their 'family' as a large group of related individuals which included younger brothers and their families, cousins and their families as well as other extended biological family ( one quote from the answer- “Curiously, it does not necessarily include my parents or my older brother.”). Two people spoke about family as a small group of people that love and support each other and has nothing to do with blood relationships or shared parentage. These individuals seemed to have a really open view of family in the sense that family can be flexible and made and broken and reformed – a “family of choice”. The last two adults had a more rigid view of family and for them, a family is a social unit connected by blood or marriage or a family is a unit created solely by God for the rearing of children and families that are bonded through marriage, His Gospel, Commandments, and Love. The last individual described a family as having a male and female at the head of the home with rigid gender roles and family assignments as quoted from the “The Family: A Proclamation to the World” as written and distributed by the Mormon church.

Definitions of effective parents and good parental behavior were described with different words by all five individuals, but when reading the responses I felt that all the answer really said the same thing:

1. “The object of parenting is not to raise a perfectly obedient child but rather a responsible and contributing member of society.” “Teach them to think and empathize and not to blindly model other's behavior.”

2. “A parent's job is to help their children become happy, fully developed people. Teaching children things they need to know and help them become independent and fully functional adults and able to make their own decisions.” Parenting behaviors: Setting limits; teaching; providing guidance; encouraging; seeking to understand the child's point of view; caring deeply; and loving unconditionally.

3. “Someone who is together, follows though on what they say and the rules of the home. Stick to your word and have structure in your home. Show unconditionally love and caring.”

4. “Someone who positively teaches a child how to be a functional member of society”

5. “A person who teaches a child empathy, consideration, caring and how to be a good decision maker- even if you do not like the decisions that they make. You raise them to think of themselves and those around them and how to accomplish their goals and fulfill their needs and love them.”

While there were a few statements edited due to lengths of answers, I kept the scope of the answers which show that with a few differences of ideas, the thoughts are the same: to raise happy, healthy people who think for themselves, have a positive outlook for themselves and others and are willing to help others. In a nutshell- to be productive and happy members of the world around them.

Answers about the necessary skills for communication really seemed to vary a great deal, although I think that the question itself may have been misunderstood or interpreted differently due to perception... and I must say that I love the idea of a communication answer being misunderstood! The irony is fairly laughable. One individual suggested an answer in a way that suggested to me that the question was interpreted the same way that I had interpreted it. They felt that openness and honesty were absolutely essential communication skills. Listening well and taking the time to make sure that you truly understood the other person's point of view and perspective -even if you didn't agree with it- is an essential skill for living in and around other people. Two people said that 'Honesty and love are key needs so that children feels secure and can rely and trust others'. Another focuses very 'literally' on the question - “Verbal and physical communication are absolutely essential- technology is not essential even if we and the media think that it is.”. And the last person talked about important times for family communication: 'Dinner is an important time to get together and talk as a family. You should also have one on one interviews with your children and they should learn manners and respecting others'.

The question about whether we are living in turbulent times was pretty illuminating to me and I think on of the most important questions asked. How 'turbulent times' was so defined by the individual sharing with me their thoughts expressed what those words meant to them personally. Some saw them through the lens of religion while another saw it through their lens of current political and economic hardship.

1. “I think a certain segment of every generation is prone to declaring themselves as living in turbulent times. My goal has always been to create a place of dependability and relative calm for my kids within the private functions of our family.”

2. “Yes. The protracted war and the economy have made this a very unsettled time. In a way, it may have brought families more together as they try and cope and support one another.”

3. “Yes. When family values are undermined by social acceptance of divorce, infidelity, violence, abuse, and other negative actions / emotions. These actions tear the underpinnings of the social unit and do not promote healthy conflict resolution and respect toward others. As a consequence the family unit is no longer stable.”

4. “Yes I do. Right now I think kids have it very hard. There are teens out there killing themselves because of being bullied. Kids are starting to have sex in middle school and that never happened when I went to school. The world is a lot different now and we need to raise our kids to be strong in the world because it is not easy.”

5. “Oh, yes. I think that all times have their 'turbulence' in them, but as a society we are angry, hateful, and fearful of all who are different. Since we all have differences, we are feeding off of each other and killing each other- or bullying and killing ourselves. I try to keep as much of it out of my home as I am able.”

It appears that a few interviewees stressed that keeping the 'turbulence' our of their homes was important as well as the idea that this particular 'time' may be turbulent... but other times were as well. One person saw the turbulence as an unwanted consequence towards harming families, while another thought that teaching the children to be strong would help them to deal with the turbulence (expressing the thought that this person does not believe the turbulence will not be going away soon.). And one person talked about how the turbulence could be used to strengthen families as they try and support each other through the 'storm'- really a great way to look at it I thought.

Everyone universally agreed that there were no “good ol' days” - one individual went so far as to say: “ The "good old days" are a fiction. In the past, there was incest, abuse, and child labor, etc... Women were controlled as objects and had few rights. The good old days never existed except in fictionalized memories”. If 'changes' were mentioned, they were mentioned as positives: women have more rights, no such thing as a woman's job or a man's job, women were controlled as objects- no more, and more along those lines. It was also almost universally agreed upon that families have always been complicated and have never been simple or truly “traditional”- families have always been complex depending on the society, that the size and shape of the family doesn't have anything to do with whether they are fully functional and healthy or dysfunctional, and good families are created and do not depend on gender or sexuality. One person thought about families and parents: “Are they making decisions that are in the best interests of the child/family or not? That is the only way to judge.” I think I agree with that statement.

The types or discussions that are held in the home/family varied in minutia- while the individual topics could vary and cover a wide swath (soccer, running, home renovation, animal husbandry, etc), the conversations themselves tend to focus on:

1. “But we talk about what might be going on at school or work, our plans for the future, and otherwise share interests in each others’ lives.”

2. “Activities we can do as a family.”

3. “Often we talk about my son's school and his future. As my son has matured, our discussions have become more wide ranging and adult-like in content.”

4. “We talk about everything and anything. We are a very open family. My kids are very young so things my husband and I don't talk about in front of the kids would be problems with other people but other than that just about everything.”

5. “Things we have in common, want to share, and what is happening in our lives, feelings, thoughts.”

While these answers are all different, they all have the theme of being together, loving each other and understanding and sharing with each other... which I think is a common theme for all humans in groups. We all need to feel like we belong and are appreciated and listened to.

When discussing the stresses involves in parenting and being a parent, I was a little surprised that while these individuals discussed different 'stressors', all the stressors ended up dividing neatly between emotional and physical stresses. However, even the physical stressors became emotional stressors if discussed long enough. Physical stressors discussed were the need to balance everything, to 'do everything', lack of sleep, and 'physically run down by the work involved'. Emotional stressors mentioned were the stress of watching a child struggle or have difficulties, trying to balance the needs of the children and the parent, the stress of watching children fight for their health when they are sick, and the difficulties of watching your children as they try and fail and not stepping in unless truly needed.

Family comparisons was funny... and very enlightening. I did feel like I learned a bit that was new about each person and family that I interviewed based on their responses to this question.

1. "I suppose one of those families of acrobats, where everyone is holding on to each other and balancing on each other and leaning out in different directions. There is a natural give and take, where we try to counter-balance each other and be each other’s safety net."

2. "In my home we are all experimental chefs: We work together and separately and come together often to see what we have created. Sometimes we are very congratulatory, sometimes we are mean and laugh too much, and sometimes we come together to commiserate over culinary experimental disaster. But we will continue to cook together, experiment together and help a cook who is tired of cooking."

3. "My family is like a small pack of wolves. We are independent and solitary, but we understand each other and come together when needed."

4. We don't compare ourselves. "We are a happy family."

5. "I don't really know. We have never compared our family to something. Maybe just a regular American family. We have our ups and downs but in the end we make it. "
There were some very pretty metaphors in there. I really liked the chef comparision- maybe because I love food, I am not the best cook, but I keep trying and sometimes I make something fabulous! (And sometimes....yuck!)

The last three questions are the ones that I needed to make up and ask. The questions that I devised are:

1. If you were able to change just two things about how your family works, what would they be? What would you prefer?

2. If you have been divorced before or are currently in a non traditional family, how has it changed your perspective of family? What changes do you see in how you view family from your childhood to now? Do you feel that your boundaries of what constitutes 'family' have changed over the years?

3. In what ways has your parenting style changed between your first child and your last? Between the 'newness' of first time parenting and now? Between family changes (death, divorce, etc)?

I chose these ideas from my heart and questions that I have been bouncing around in my head for a little bit now. So here are my responses.

The idea of changing something in your family was a pretty neat question. I realized as I interviewee people that this question could really help them to pinpoint something they wanted to change and work on it. If you never ask the question, it is very easy for someone to never try and make a change... because it never becomes very obvious that not only is change needed, but you can make it into smaller steps to work on and doesn't seem so challenging. Two quotes were really poignant to my mind.

1. “I wish there was less nagging involved in getting family members to take their turn at chores, and perhaps a little less questioning of decisions made by others. If I had to pick just one of these, it would be the first – I appreciate the intellectual skills of my family members, but sometimes I would love to skip a debate!”

2. “I would like my sons to really listen more and understand that if they listen to my guidance as their father they will do better in life and have less struggles. I would like to listen more deeply as a parent; to really seek to understand what my children are saying to me and why they think and feel the way they do about things.”

What I really liked about these quotes was that both of them were about communication. Both of these individuals are looking for better communication in their families and they recognize that there is a communication issue. Once it is recognized as a concern, making a plan to try and change it will be much easy. The last quote I am adding was a little sad for me to read.

1. I wish my husband didn't work as much. He works 60+ hours a week and so we don't see him as much as I hope. He will get home, eat dinner with us and we have 1-2 hour to spend time together before we put the boys down for bed. I wish my husband and I could have more time to go out together. We have date night once a week but it is usually at home doing something fun together like renting a movie, playing a game, making smoothies, ect. We can't afford to pay someone to watch our kids so we can go out and we wish we could.

This individual really seems to enjoy her family and wishes that she could have more time with her husband. More time and not less time. I can feel the caring and the wish for more of a physical presence in her home for her husband. I do hope that they will have it sometime!

For the question on divorce and changes in perspectives on family, I got some pretty amazing answers.

1. “I am a child of divorce who has been married for almost 23 years to my first (and last) husband. I feel very blessed and lucky to say that; each of my siblings has experienced at least one divorce, and I have seen the emotional toll taken. The most concerning part of fractured families is the lack of mutual respect often modeled by the parents (and clearly absorbed by the children). While my concept of family has enlarged over the years beyond the “one man, one woman, one marriage” nuclear family of the 60’s, I believe that the most important aspect of family is not gender or birth status but love.”

2. “I was from a broken home and grew up without a father and with an absentee mother, and was raised primarily by my grandmother. I have been divorced. I think that I have always viewed families more by the content of their actions than in a "traditional" way, and I think that this view has been strengthened over time.

3. “Divorce did not change my perspective of family, it reinforced what a functional family is. I.e. the divorce occurred because of dysfunctionality. As to the rest, I will say that I lived in a dysfunctional family growing up and knew that I wanted to create a healthy family. I have done this."

4. “I haven't been in that situation but my grandparents have. What i have observed from that is nothing i would ever want to experience. They have each been married 6-7 times and are in their late 50's. I see how it has effected my mom and wouldn't never like to be in that place. Her mom made her write nasty letters to her dad after the divorce and her and her dad still to this day don't talk. She has step sisters that don't like her. She feels like the outcast.” (sic)

5. Been there, done that...don't think it has changed my perspective except for cynicism. I am more careful now. (sic)

I am not sure that most of these answers actually answered my question, but I thought they were intriguing nonetheless.

The last question as changes in parenting style- I think the weakest question that I developed. However, one person's statement really stayed focus in my mind and is the one statement made throughout these interviews that I have found myself reflecting on quite a bit. It is :

1. “I now am more realistic about my children's potential, and my goals are to raise happy children that are self-sufficient and are the best people they can be. I want them to do whatever they want in life and am more accepting that their way is not my way. I think as you parent your second child, you become less stuck in what you want, and more open to what the child's unique personality and desires might be. Part of this may come from having experience with the first child, but part is from aging yourself. I know that I look at the world very differently at 49 than I did at 29. In a way, I think that I am more realistic, possibly more cynical, and that my expectations for my child, and also myself, have become grounded in reality more. Is that bad? Perhaps, but it is also comforting.”

Two individuals stated that their children came too close together to really be able to see a change in parenting style- one says that she has noticed that she is a lot more relaxed around other people's kids and helping now. One pointed out some physical changes like with her first she would carefully clean and sterilize binkies that fell on the floor- now she wipes them on her pants and pops them right back in! (I thought that was great and I laughed.)

So through this exercise, I think I have discovered quite a few things. While I already knew that people think differently from one another due to experience, etc... I have never taken an opportunity to really learn about these differences. I feel like I know so much about more not only about these individuals and their families, but how they think and view the world. I also found that I learned a little bit more about how I viewed families and the world around me as well. And I was able to open a door to a family member that I had been unsure how to approach due to family trauma and so I think that this assignment helped me to even increase my family a little bit. Thank you.

Migraines and Women

This week in class we studied three neurological disorders extremely common to women; migraine, Alzheimer's disorder and multiple sclerosis. I wanted to take the time to discuss the basics of migraines but also share a small autobiography from an old school friend who still suffers from migraines. I feel like unless you have truly suffered from migraines (or as my friend mentions sensory disorders and/or autism) you can have no idea what it truly is like and a definition will never been able to truly communicate that information to you. I have only had two migraines in my life and I wouldn't wish them on another living soul. I hope this information is not only informative to others, but also a forum for others to share their experiences as well for the education of my readers.

Migraines can be describes simply as a bad headache- however, that simple explanation really doesn't describe the scope, pain or symptoms of this disorder. A migraine can usually be divided into five separate phases called 'prodrome', 'aura', 'headache proper', 'headache termination', and 'postdrome'. While not every migraine sufferer will go through all five of these phases for every migraine, all migraines will usually have a few of these components. Migraines can also be divided into two types- migraines with 'aura' and migraines without. Symptoms of a migraine attack coming can happen a few hours or even days before the onset of the 'headache' and symptoms are not limited to, but can include irritation, euphoria, depression of affect/mood, intolerance of smell or sound that would usually be acceptable, aura, throbbing, pulse-like or pressure-like pain, as well as nausea and vomiting. It can be brought on by such things as inappropriate sleep, hormonal changes or menstruation, fasting, specific foods, environmental factors, possibly stress and even smoking or alcohol.

Some treatments include light medication such as over the counter pain relievers for mild symptoms as well as caffeine. For migraines that are not as mild, there are some pharmaceutical options that can be given orally, subcutaneously, or intra-nasally that have been shown to help. The most commonly used medications depending on symptoms and patient tolerance include Sumatriptan, DHE, anti-nausea medications, opiates, beta blockers, anti-epileptics, hormones such as estrogen and more. Other individuals use chiropractors, massage and acupuncture to control migraine symptoms.

I also got a pretty good biography from a friend -Renee Wrede- about her history and life dealing with migraines. I asked her specifically because I knew that at least for a while she was having them very frequently. What she wrote is a little long and is only lightly edited for spelling.

My hx of migraines
I started to noticed my headaches when I was little - about age 11. I remember pressing the side of my face against the cold window on the school-bus on the way home to relieve some of the hot throbbing pain around my eye/temple area. My family would tell me to lay down with a cool washcloth - but that didn't seem to help. Sleep and pain meds at the time offered limited relief. My PCP at the time told me that I would "grow out of it" - and seem to doubt my headaches - the sensitivity to light, sounds, touch, smell.

At age 13 I had a new doctor who first used the term "migraine" - he was able to describe my pain in detail - it was very validating. By this time I was experiencing weekly migraines and my family did not seem to believe me. By then we had noticed that cocoa triggered my migraines.

My new doctor prescribed a new upcoming pain med at the time (can't spell it) Toridol? It provided little to no relief.

I continued to experienced horrible migraines throughout school - if caught soon enough I was able to tame it down to where I could still function.

In April 2006 when my neck was broke while working with a teenage client my migraines went into overdrive. I struggled with the pain of the undiagnosed break and the migraines that seem to be a result of the break. Days went by without any relief - I was apply ice to the base of my neck as well as my head and face. I received burns for the cold on various parts of my head because covered ice packs were never "cold enough" so I opted to placing ice packs/bags of ice/frozen veggies/frozen juice cans directly on the point of pain.

I went to ER 2 -3 times a week - which eventually labeled me as "drug seeking" - although my tests always came out negative. I was diagnosed with a "mood disorder" because my pain affected my mood and my ability to work/focus/eat/socialize, etc.

8 months after the break the pain of the break had decreased but the migraines were ongoing. By now my migraines always included limited to no vision in my left eye. Black dots or white shimmering "diamond" images danced around my left vision moments before the pain began. I begged to be referred by a Neurologist - Dr. Good enough.
It was Dr. Goodenough who discovered the fracture in my neck. He also encouraged me to record my headaches and pains.

This was very informative - and helped me identify the migraines from the sinus headaches. It also helped me to identify that my hormones play a HUGE part in my migraines - they appear to cycle around my cycle. And Dr. Goodenough prescribed a daily med Topamax to prevent the migraines as well as a Relapax for when the Monster Migraines attacked. It seem to work - my migraines decreased from daily to 14 a month. Pretty good at that time.

I think my stress level, my physical and mental health continues to play a role in my migraines. I am still triggered by smells and cocoa. Now I experience 2-3 migraines a month. Did I mention that I often throw up when I have a migraine - this was particularly painful in 2006 while my neck was healing.

Despite the pain - it often amazes me how all my senses are brought to a new level - I remember laying on the floor in the dark ER bathroom - the only place that sheltered me of the light, limited smells, and muffled the sounds of the ER - and while I groaned with the frozen peas to my head I thought "I can smell bacon - they must be cooking bacon - God I want to throw up and die!" (They were in fact cooking bacon one floor below!) This is what I call the "superman affect" of my migraines - my hearing, smell, sight, touch are so enhanced that it's painful - I can only imagine that this might be similar to the term "sensory overload" that we often use with children an autism diagnoses. It's intense and it's hell.

I think one friend described migraines best when she said "At first you're in so much pain that you fear dying. Finally near the end you're in so much pain that you fear that you'll never die!"

After the break in 2006 - after the mood disorder and drug seeking labels - I wanted my life to end. The constant pain was too much - I couldn't take it any more. One night at the ER I whispered (I can't speak at a normal level during a migraine) - to the doctor on duty to kill me. "If you care about me - you'll kill me now." The room was dark - my boyfriend stood by my bedside - my connection with friends and family had also been affected by my migraines. The ER doctor laughed (loudly) and seem to take my request as a joke. Little did he know that I had already spoken to family members about custody of my son and possible funeral arrangements.

I can totally understand ending your life when you're in so much pain with no end in sight. I am grateful that a friend suggested Dr. Goodenough - it is frustrating that the ONLY assistance and support I received was from a provider whom I had to seek out. However, now I'm in a better place. Life is good - and I have a hard time believing what life was like 4 short years ago.

If you are reading this and suffer from migraines, please feel free to comment anonymously if you wish. If nothing use, I want to have a better understanding of the problems, but I also want to know how I can help people who are having these problems. Understanding the disorder I think will help. :)

Thoughts on Somatoform Disorder... and a Lot of Questions!

1. Somatoform disorder is the name for a group of conditions in which the physical pain and symptoms a person feels are related to psychological factors. These symptoms can't be traced to a specific physical cause. In people who have a somatoform disorder, medical test results are either normal or don't explain the person's symptoms. This group of disorders includes: Conversion disorder, Dissociative disorder, Somatization disorder, Hypochondriasis, Factitious disorder, and Body Dysmorphic Disorder.


I will admit that after reading my texts twice- I am still not sure that I 'get' Somatoform disorder. Or at least I thought that I was starting to get it until I read a lot of the other posts from my other classmates. Everyone seemed to focus on hypochondriacs and while I do think that was part of being discussed... well, I guess I wasn't really convinced that was the whole idea... And the amount of backbiting/rudeness and judgement was quite impressive ('I know someone just like that and she does it for the attention...' or 'I know someone who definitely fits this disorder and they go to the doctor all the time but it's clear there's nothing wrong with them', etc...)

Am I wrong? Maybe I am so focused on the idea that I was so sick and nobody could find anything wrong for a year. I had x-rays, ultra sounds, a colonoscopy or two, and was poked and prodded by everyone imaginable in my local practice and was given huge antibiotic shots every few weeks, started Prozac and was then sent to a third specialist... who then gave me an upper-endoscopy and then told me that all of my symptoms made perfect sense for the problem that I was really having... which wasn't recognized by any of the other physicians that I had seen.... So how can you really be sure that someone is a hypochondriac and doesn't really have something physical wrong with them? Especially just by casual looking or conversation...? The textbook talked about how women are more likely to be diagnosed with this disorder... can this be because physicians as a rule are more likely to think women have something wrong with their mind (anxiety, etc) than a heart attack for instance... and so they do not look deep enough? Or am I just overly tolerant and not cynical enough?

I guess I also wonder if pain disorders have to be specifically 'pointed' at in the sense that I think that Fibromyalgia is a 'pain disorder' but there doesn't seem to be anything specific to 'point' at- they hurt, but no one seems to know for sure why? Are they hurting?... I have no doubt. Is it all in their mind? I can't believe that... Also if I look at the criteria, is it possible that someone with a bad relationship and stress problem be able to be 'diagnosed' with this disorder that with time and other changes could no longer qualify for this disorder? For instance, if my friend Pamela has belly pain and reflux from stress (she thinks), a sex symptom- because she has no interest in sex with her estranged husband right now, and she is also likely to complain of random chest pain, a twitching eye, headaches, and leg pain... could she be diagnosed with this disorder if her doctor can't find anything definitive? Even though a casual discussion and exam could probably show that this is most likely temporary and stress related? And once you are diagnosed, can you ever 'lose' the diagnostic label... or is it yours forever? I also wonder which came first- the label hypochondriac or somatoform disorder... although I suspect that the term hypochondriac came first. I guess I have more questions this week than answers- sorry :(

One thing that was really interesting to me was that Body Dsymorphic Disorder is one of the disorders under this diagnosis- known to us lay people usually as anorexia or bulemia. Because maybe that is my clue for understanding the idea of the disorder. If the idea behind BDD is than an individual for some reason is unable to accept who he/she is or what he/she looks like or can't be what he/she wants to be... is able to for unknown reasons in her mind attempt to force the body into what he/she cannot have (and I believe that is done unconsciously truly- I can't imagine that those thought processes are something that someone works on to develop... although I could be wrong.) Well, than maybe what the book is trying to say is that a person has so much 'stuff' in his/her life that is painful (whether it is abuse, stress, etc...) that they cannot control... then the unconscious mind tries to get out some of the strain through other various ways which the individual doesn't tend to recognize and then they go to the doctor thinking that they had another problem. But I guess I am again stuck on the idea that at some point the doctor can decide that the patient has nothing really wrong and diagnose them with this when it could be something else.

Does anyone out there know someone who has one of these disorders and can maybe give me a little more insight into it? I really am curious and want to have a real discussion on it. What do you think if you are someone who has it? Would you be willing to explain a little bit of your personal history so maybe I can understand a little better?

French, Anyone?

I have decided to make an attempt to learn French. I need to stress that this will be a tiny attempt. In my short past, I have found the attempt to learn a language to be something that is an impossibility to me- like math. No matter how hard I try, I have not been successful. Its almost like I have a mental block that tells me I can't do it... so therefore I live up to that idea and I am truly unable to do it. I feel a little uncomfortable with that idea though; the idea that something that is perfectly possible in impossible for me. I am intelligent, kind, motivated, and determined. There is no rational reason that I can come up with that I cannot learn a language. And I loved my time in Paris and I am interested in moving to Canada... so...

Today I will try! I pledge to give five minutes at least four days a week to this goal. Not so much that I feel pressured, but enough to remind me of my goal and to learn a word and how to use it. And if I am really good... I will try to stick to appropriate words, although that doesn't sound like as much fun! :o)

So, if I want to try and do this without the help of my family because I am hoping it will be a pleasant surprise, does anybody else know of any good resources for learning the language? If you have learned a language before, what helped you the most? And please, what was not helpful to you? What advice would you give me?