I wondered if living in a phony world changes the way our brains and cellular structures operate. If we accept phoniness, will we do away with honesty and integrity all together? Will we make up new cells from day-to-day with no obligation to mop up the mess is the old cells have made? Most important of all is it possible to be real in a phony world?



As if I'd said the opposite, she said, "I don't worry about dying, you know. To tell the truth, I sort of look forward to it. Not the last- breath part, but the next breath in a new place. I imagine it's sort of like being born, don't you? I mean, coming into this world is no picnic for a baby, all that squeezing and pushing going on around it, but then it pops out in a whole new world.."

The Space Between Life and Death

To sit at the bedside of the death of a friend is to look into the gaping mouth of hell. Grief chops at you little by little as their life is slowly drawn away. Sometimes, watching every breathe is painful and you want to see the continued rise of the chest ... and you desperately want it to stop to end the suffering therein. You find yourself stroking the frail frame and speaking of the banal because you can't say all that is in your heart for there are no words... or the words and emotions behind them will not help and will only cause more hurt. So you sit quietly and listen to every breath until you find your own mind and body become the mirror image of the life ebbing away. Your breathing slows and all you can see is the simple image of life and desire intertwined. You start to feel their pain in your own body and your mind whispers the same prayer over and over and over. You don't even feel the tears running down your cheeks and barely notice that you can no longer see as your glasses are coated with the tears that have been falling over your lids for what seems like eternities. You struggle to notice the discomfort in your limbs because your own comfort has fallen behind your one need- to be present in those few moments that will soon be over and will never be repeated. In these moments, I feel my own weakness... my own inability to stop suffering or help to end it. I feel some of my beliefs crumble to ash and I am forced to face the deficits in my faith and my heart. The bone deep weariness that surrounds you feels like the new normal as everything you do brings you back to this single point... sitting in a chair next to a friend... watching the failing physical frame and murmuring to the strong soul within which will soon be released. You watch the seizures and you shake, the breathing and you mirror it, the silence that envelopes you both. For this brief periods of time, I hate death and I pray for it... I push it away as I grasp it... I welcome any positive change even if it means death has won for now. Soon, the mouth of hell will close and only love and grief will live on... but in these brief moments I feel like I learn more about what hell really is and what heaven may be than any Sunday school lesson ever taught. And I do have so much more to learn... so much more...

2014 Poetry Corner # 7 - "The Spirit of Peace"

Eyes closed, breathe deep
legs crossed, head bowed

Feel the world around you
the breeze that lovingly envelopes you
the warmth that seeps through your skin
the spirit that whispers to your heart

Whisper your needs, hear him answer
Give him your heart, feel his love

Breathe in, clear your mind
the thoughts that bring you down
the worries that fret your soul
the fears that trap your agency

Listen with all your being
Be open, be loving, be joyful

Be you!

2014 Poetry Corner # 5 - "Fish" (a haiku)

around and around
unconcernedly and slow
the angel swims forth

2014 Poetry Corner # 2 - "Meditation" (a haiku)

slow, breathe in, focus
on you, your needs, your feelings
understand yourself

2013 Poetry Corner # 2 : Evening Prayer

The best moment of the day
To kneel in the quiet
Surrounded by darkness
My mind jumbled and crowded
… a moment to settle
… a deep breath

The words form slowly and then come
Tumbling and rushing down
My waterfall of thoughts
Pouring and crashing into silence
… my tears fall
… my heart pleading

The thoughts form patterns
My mind will clear
The heart feels lighter
My soul feels peace
… my head sinks
… sleep comes

Horizontally, the moment ends
Claimed by exhaustion...
May it come again!

2013 Poetry Corner # 1 : 'Anxiety'

Anxiety, anxiety.... my ever faithful chain
Always here around my heart
Can I still be sane?

Breathe in, breathe slow...
Slowly, thoughtful, timely
So that my soul can grow.

Fight it and sigh
For eventually you'll win
No need to ask why..

just continue to try.....

2012 Poetry Corner # 9 : 'Beauty in Time'

The Beauty of Time

How do you see the darkness disappear?
Have you watched the dawn return?
I watch the darkness start to fade
and the light slowly seep in...
One long blink and the sky is awash
with color and brightness and clarity
For a new day has begun.

How does the darkness engulf the day?
Have you watched the night close in?
As the sun appears to move away
and the darkness rumbles in...
For a long moment the light will struggle
Soon, its gone
For the night has returned.

Time moves on, slowly yet sure
Until the moment that we change
Enjoy the beauty, breathe in the joy
For you never know when it will be gone.

Thankful!

Today I am thankful for...

… my breath
… my heart
… love
… good thoughts
… sustenance
… friendship
… surprises
… warmth
… beauty
… clarity

What are you thankful for? :)

2012 Poetry Corner #5 : Wishes, Dreams, and Prayer

A wish is but a dream
Given voice and breath
A dream is but a prayer
Given thought and space

So what is a prayer
Except simply pure love
The voice and yearning
Of our very souls...

The pleading of a child
To an adored parent
The struggle to bridge the gap


How do you reach across the void
The chasm of living silence
To bring your thoughts in line with God
To make your day complete




It is a struggle, so truly hard
To put my will aside
To recognize my lack of power
In the face of the divine

And yet the struggle becomes a breeze
When my heart is truly open
And I feel the spirit and the peace
The brightness of the mind

So I find my hope in wishes
And refuge in my dreams
Joy within my being
And awe in my solitude

It will be well….

2012 Poetry Corner #1 : New Views

A heavy heart is quite a burden
More than a barrow of rocks
It does no good
Only extends the grief
And makes it hard to breathe









To lighten the burden is just as hard
The task is great and daunting
But good will come
The grief will end
And growth will begin again





So surely it's best to let it go
Even though both choices feel just as hard
For one will show
An ending sweet
The other- a grief observed....

Counting Blessings...

One of the truly blessed things about the trials that Heavenly Father gives us and others is that not only are we able to learn, but I have found that sometimes a blessing in disguise comes to the foreground in my own life. We all have discovered this a few times in our lives I am sure. We discover the blessing of a nose when we get sick and it is constantly runny- very rarely do we thank the Father for our wonderful nose nor do we really remember it is there unless there is something wrong with it. And there are so many of those blessings in all of our lives. The blessings of kidney and liver function, of laughter...of breathing.

Last night, I was given some great news as I found that a relative is out of prison and back home. His problems have weighed heavily on my mind over the last few years. As I thanked my Father in prayer, I recognized that while my relative is no longer in prison, he is now on 'house arrest'. While I find that much better, being trapped in the house can also be seen as a large burden. While I sometimes wake up in the morning and feel tired and 'growly' that I 'have' to go out, the blessing is found in the realization that I can go out... I really can! So while I am out volunteering today, passing out food and trying to give advice and cheer... I am thankful that no matter how tired or grumpy or sad... Or even happy and hyper... I have the ability to do what I feel I need to do without the limitations that some others have to deal with in their lives.

It's a blessed day!

2010 Poetry Corner #2 - Robert

I have a man, a man who lives with me.
I love him so; he is a part of me.
I wouldn’t know how to live my life without
What will I do when life turns inside out?
Will we be together after my last breath?
Or will love live on in separate form
Will I have to live with someone else for eternity?
Without the one who makes me want to live?