On some days, the clear fact that I make mistakes feels horrible. It seems like I can't improve, that I cannot change. Sometimes I think I am getting better at something and then I realize that maybe I am not. How can you see change if it is small? Can change exist if you see it, but those closest to you do not?
I will be the first to admit that I do not like blame- even when I am at fault. I guess I do not feel that blame solves much and trying to work past the problem or mistake is best. I also think that blame hurts and not in a positive way; it doesn't make people feel sorry or repentant... but rather angry and defensive. I feel like I get a lot of blame in my life. Some of this blame comes from myself as I berate myself for my foolishness, etc... Wasn't it President Uchtdorf who joked that 'some people cannot get along with themselves?' :) But a lot of blame comes from others and it is starting to wear me down. I will make mistakes no matter how I try not to- and today I did make a pretty good one. I acknowledge it and want to try and put it right. But how can I if I am not given the information to do so... and all I hear is anger and blame and sarcastic thank you's? Do we all not fall short of perfection... and depend on the Atonement? My response in the past would probably have been to cry, do my best to make it right and move on. If I am not able to attempt to make it right, I feel stymied and I am moving into a new pattern of cry, withdraw, hide, and don't talk to anyone. The idea of trust and risk are even more painful and the vigor with which I would launch myself into he world is gone and I have no idea how to get it back... and even if I should.
Can I end this post with an apology? I know I am not perfect and I cannot be in this life. I know that there are so many things that are weaknesses for me and are very difficult. I apologize for anything that I have done in the past that has harmed you or caused you (the reader) to feel pain. If there is any way that I can make it right or attempt to do so, please let me know. Please do not let something I have done to you cause you to feel negatively towards myself or other aspects of your life. I will really try to do the same for you.