Here are the last paragraphs of the last posting....
My current view of life is a journey, but very open ended. I am not sure where I am headed nor do I know for sure where I want to go. All of my goals right now in many ways are short term. Get a good job…. finish school…. try to fix my home situation….. try to survive… stay healthy… - nothing for the most part that is entirely long term and cannot be changed. And all the goals are sort of vague as to what things I need to accomplish them I need to do. I am trying really hard right now to learn about myself and to try and understand how I am different and become a better communicator and person, but I do feel constrained and frankly I am split in some ways I see life as a great learning experience, but I see most learning as painful, difficult and I am not always sure that it is worth the struggle. I tend to also see most positive experiences as something that I cannot easily attain for many reasons whether it is my insecurity in my ability or my lack of physical assets, etc…
In my lifetime I have had a few leadership experiences. I have been a director of a play for grade school children, a mother, a medical supervisor for a drug abuse/crisis center for teens, and an advisor for a church youth program that due to circumstances gave me no authority but all the responsibility. As a director, I found that I didn’t understand the craft and I didn’t have a stable enough life at the time or the confidence to accomplish it and I gave the job to someone else. I have failed as a mother. As a medical supervisor, I found that the people I supervised didn’t like to do the extra work and nothing I said could convince them to do so- I ended up redoing and doing most of the work myself until I gave up and found a different job elsewhere. As an advisor, I did step up to do the work and sacrificed almost everything. After I had given everything I had for several months, I was ‘fired’ (which I didn’t know was possible from a church job), not given the basic decency that other members would have been given for my work and I have not accepted a job since. I really put all of my time, passion, much of my extra monetary resources and joy into that job and I felt beaten and slapped and unappreciated after my firing. I haven’t been willing to risk that again since. (And I can’t imagine why anyone would want to read any of this- what depressing piteous drivel.)
I think what I need most are some really positive experiences with people that I genuinely believe want to help me improve and have no other motives that that. I need experiences where I am gently pushed forward, encouraged and helped as I struggle. I need to find a way with being OK with who I am and wanting improvements for me and because they are good for me… and not for someone else. I think I also need to reach an understanding that I appear to be a leader… whether I want to be or not, so I should try to be the best. :)
I think what I need most are some really positive experiences with people that I genuinely believe want to help me improve and have no other motives that that. I need experiences where I am gently pushed forward, encouraged and helped as I struggle. I need to find a way with being OK with who I am and wanting improvements for me and because they are good for me… and not for someone else. I think I also need to reach an understanding that I appear to be a leader… whether I want to be or not, so I should try to be the best. :/
As for the idea of entering a new phase in my life, I am totally unsure that is actually true. I feel like I am in a holding pattern and attempting to find a life in this holding pattern and struggling to find the right ideas and words to move in a positive direction from it. I am not sure if I am astute enough to recognize when I am in a new phase until the new phase is ‘over’ and I am in the reality that has continued…? I have no idea if that made any sense or not. I think that the term ‘new phase’ assumes that when change is happening a person is introspective enough to deal with it and to make decisions that are based on what could happen. When I have had change such as the ‘firing’ I mentioned above, I did nothing new but lick my wounds and not accept another job. I didn’t see it as an opportunity that I do see it could have been now. So I think that figuring out you are in a ‘new phase’ may be easier for some people than others or maybe my reaction to all new phases in my life is to curl up, close ranks, and try to deal with my emotional aftermath from it. So if I look at this time in my life as a potential new phase simply because I am still alive and still here ready to work, I think some of the goals I would make wouldn’t change from the ones that I am currently attempting to complete. I would try to survive and learn more about myself, try to stay healthy and work on my family, try to develop better skills and finish my degree. I think that is a pretty tall order already. :)
There are several adjustments that I think I might need to make. However, none of the adjustments seem easily feasible or even possible for me in my current situation. I need to learn how to change thinking patterns and I think doing that on my own is not only slow but I have no way to truly understand if I am doing it or to measure progress. Sometimes I am not even sure where to start- after all you can’t start on everything that is wrong all at once. And, in all honesty I am quite a biased party. How can I figure out what is most important if I have difficulty looking at me separately from being me? I need to find a way to feel more confident and improve my self-esteem- how do you break through the patterns of thirty-six years if cannot really understand what is a pattern… what patterns are good and acceptable, what patterns are not… and in what areas I turn positive experiences into negative ones? Where does the pattern start positively and since I can’t see it or understand it… I change it? Have I even now seen any real part of any patterns or am I like the electron that sifts so far away from the nucleus that the patterns I see have no relationship to the whole…? I have no idea how to even define adjustments at all and that is fairly scary as well. Even in area where I feel like I have made great inroads to success like financial stability, I feel easily dismissed and I easily decide that I haven’t accomplished anything worthwhile at all. It takes a few days to remind myself that what I think counts, and working towards something that is important to me matters whether others believe it or not. (And a few days I think is pretty good even though I think that I have to remind myself for weeks or the positive traction is gone.) I need to continue to focus on the positive and I need to continue to work on showing caring and forgiveness to myself. I need to maybe adjust my defense mechanisms to allow other people in… although I have no idea how to begin that process on any kind of large scale.
Some ways I can try and change these experiences to something positive...? I can take my past experiences and try to re-frame them. Instead of allowing myself to remember them with the negative emotions and the ‘selfishness’ of my own view and what I felt at the time, I can try and stand back and look at how the other parties not only reacted but what might have caused their reactions. What were they thinking? How to they respond to life in general? I can certainly see that in some ways I am very much my mother’s daughter…. I am more likely to back off than attack and I am more likely to stay away than fight and lash, but I still feel all of those things. While I may not have a mental health disorder that causes me to react and ruminate and lash out at others the way my mother does, in many ways I still think the ways that she does so I simple have different reactions… maybe? Maybe I think I do and I don’t…? Maybe I just want to think I am different and I am simply a carbon copy of the original but I don’t have the excuse of mental illness to justify my behavior. Maybe I am just so hard on myself I am unable to take my experiences and change them to anything positive because I am not sure what really constitutes positive. I know I don’t think I can do this on my own and in many ways I am married with children, pets and friends… and I am still alone. Except for possibly trying to reframe them and try to look at them more positively, I am not sure how I can learn from any of my past. I feel like I need to find a way to simply shed it and the baggage if gives me like a skin from a lizard or I can’t overcome it. I am also aware that isn't really possible... so I will try to keep thinking I guess.
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