The hole that Sarah Drew has left in my life has not been filled. Sometimes I wonder if it ever will. There are days where her face or voice flits briefly into my head, but before I can feel sad, it is gone. There are days like today where I seem to feel only her absence. It feels almost like I have been surrounded by space all day- a space that is constantly yearning for and missing her. I do not think that I have ever had a friend in my entire life who was so devoted, so caring, and just seemed to like me in every sense of the word. I still have two wonderful, beautiful and perfect friends with me, but in some sense, life has lost its savor since she passed on.

Bug misses her too. Trying to explain why he cannot see Gram Sarah now is hard and I am not sure that I have succeeded. I know I haven't succeeded in explaining how the afterlife -or the birth we call 'death' as one apostle put it- works. Part of that is that on some aspects I am not sure that I understand it myself. My religion is pretty clear about the idea that families that are sealed together in the temple can be together after the death of the family members. But it is a little vague on friends. When I die, will I be met by treasured friends? What about my friends who I feel are (in some ways) closer than family? Sarah is the only grandmother my son has ever known that has given him unconditional love, yet not a drop of her blood flows through his veins. Does the circumstances of her birth and my son's leave him in the hereafter without a family member that has meant so much to him... to me? And on a different note, does the circumstances of my birth leave me stuck with biological family that sometimes find it easier to cause pain in others rather than give love and acceptance?

These are all questions that I think I need to leave for Heavenly Father to answer in his own time. It is so hard to not know the answers right now, however. I think it is a sign of my struggling faith that I want a definitive answer NOW! I want to know that things will happen the way I want them to... clearly I am not interested in even attempting a 'thy will be done' in this situation. I want to know that I will spend time with Sarah again. That we will walk together and sit together and laugh and just enjoy each others company.

I need more faith. I need to remember her for all of her generosities, laughing, loyalty, and love. I need to remember that her love and confidence in me have helped me grow in so many ways. I am a better person for knowing her.

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