The Face of Fear

Something terrible happened today... and as the day goes on, it feels more awful. I am not a large person. I am quite thin, not terribly tall... adjectives used to describe me tend to be synonymous with small, or scrawny. I tend to think of myself as a small person... rather insignificant in this world and I tend to think of myself as in some ways non existent in the lives and the world around me. If I think of myself at all and my affects on others, I tend to think of myself in either positive or neutral terms. I know that I make mistakes and I know that in many ways I am not a strong or a wonderful person, but I know that I try and I truly want to love everyone... even those whom have caused me the greatest harm. I am not strong enough to not feel the pain they have caused or to pretend that it hasn't happened... especially when my life has been so drastically altered. I do not feel like I really recognize my life anymore. I am not sure that I even recognize myself. I wish for much, but all who see and feel these hard times in their lives wish for something else. But it is not for me to decide. All I can decide is what to do with the time that I have been given. And what happened today was awful.

It doesn't sound like much. It doesn't actually really sound awful. But when I was out today a woman saw me. And her response was fear. Even in a public place, she feared me and my reaction to her presence. After a few minutes, she gathered enough courage to scuttle like a bug across the parking lot to the store... her discomfort and fear evident in her movements and posture. I have been told that I am vindictive and that my anger is terrible. I have also been told that this person feels she has done nothing wrong and has had no part of my current pain. She has severed her relationship with me and appears to have been successful in taking everything of value that I possess... So why does she fear me? I do not believe I am vindictive. I have accepted so much more pain in an attempt to spare her family and to spare others from the choices that were made. I feel like I have suffered so much more in an attempt to protect and to give homage and respect to our past relationship. But I think I am truly saddened and humbled to see this. I take no pleasure... only pain and grief that no matter how positive my actions, one of Heavenly Father's children feels so much fear. I don't think I have anything left to give and what I have given hasn't been accepted or worked really.

I just feel so tired of the struggle. It is starting to feel too hard and too long... but I am grateful. I think that I am starting to see light in the journey forward. May God bless us all... that his children feel less fear. For faith cannot live in fear. There is too much fear in this world. I pray that someday I will not hear of someone in fear of me. Even though I think the fear is not justified, I pray that it diminishes and is conquered. I know of nothing else at this point that can rid all of us of this horrible fear. Maybe as a new year comes, fear can diminish as well. I pray for this to come to pass. I do not want another day like today.


  1. I think that you should re think this happening. In terms of fear. It may not have been fear as such. I learned this recently. There are some, who someone else is so unworthy to look into their eyes that they will fear doing so. They will run from the thought. And I believe that is what just happened to you. And it should have. It was not you who made the poor choices and you have continued to take the higher ground. But, it may be that which is God like within you, that she fears. And that is a blessing for you. Laurie

  2. Maybe.... But then why do I feel so ugly about it? I have my perspective on this situation and she has hers. Can my perspective be wrong? I do not know and that is part of my fear. The face of fear can look very different depending on who wears it and why. In the end I must focus on myself, and my fear and what I can do about it. I cannot change anyone else so I must change me. I hope you are right. I would feel so much better if you are right. And I will think of your words. That is a perspective that I did not think of.

  3. I think that perhaps you feel ugly about it as ugly things have been done to you. And things that hurt very deeply. As well as gossip (I'm assuming this)that would serve to cast the eyes of others off themselves and off of what they have done, by trying to point the attention and even lie about you as being crazy or any number of things. I don't think this is uncommon when dealing with people who are trying to hide their realities from others. I think that if your perspective were wrong, you would see her rolling her eyes and acting disgusted at you. And not a look of fear and trying to run away and hide. Just my opinion. But, once again you are being kind and trying to give her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe, she doesn't deserve it and this can be seen in how she has treated you.